Where I Found My Heart (7 page)

Chapter 16

Libby and I went to Neiman Marcus at the mall for lunch and didn’t stop until we found a dress that fit the bill, a dark red dress, which complemented both my figure and my blonde hair. I also found a pair of black pumps I could walk in, although I wasn’t sure how long I could walk in them, but I would find out soon. A small black purse and some new makeup completed my shopping trip and as I carried my shopping bags back to the car, I had a glimmer of hope for the future.

Instead of going back to work, Libby and I stopped at Josh’s and her apartment so Libby could get a few things. Then took the items we purchased and went right to my apartment, where Libby opened a bottle of wine she’d brought and poured us both a glass. And as promised she helped me get ready, through every stage.

After she was finished with my hair, which she curled and left long down my back, she set about putting on my makeup. The wine helped calm my nerves, sort of held the butterflies at bay a little. I walked into the bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed and pulled my thigh highs up, then lowered my dress over my head reveling in the feel of it sliding down my body. I hadn’t had a reason to get dressed up for some time, and to say I was nervous would be an understatement. I bent over and slipped my new shoes onto my feet.

When I walked back into the living room where Libby was putting my lipstick, keys and cardholder into my new purse, she looked up and the shock that registered on her face nearly caused me to crumble.

“What, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. You look absolutely beautiful! Oh Reny…” Tears flooded her eyes and I could see she tried to blink them away. “I’d almost forgotten how beautiful you are…seeing you like this…it makes my heart feel good. You know?” She had her hand over her chest for emphasis.

“Why are you sad?”

I walked up to her. She led me by the hand to the bedroom and opened my closet door where the full-length mirror was mounted on the inside of my closet door and guided me up to it before turning me around to face it.

“Oh my…”

“God.” She finished my sentence. “You are stunning Reny. Look at you. And these are tears of joy, I was so afraid I’d never see you like this ag…” she stopped herself, but I knew what she would say.

I looked up and down the length of my body at least twice. It was definitely weird. It was as if someone else was staring back at me, someone not me. For a few seconds it frightened me, I shuddered.

“Come with me.” She led me back outside and poured me a half a glass more. “Drink this. It’ll calm you down.”

I did as she suggested and leaned on the stool.

Libby walked determinably over to the door and picked up her overnight bag removing her pj’s, “Old fashioned girl’s sleepover.” Then she reached in and removed a small pouch. She unzipped it and held up a necklace. It was one I’d recognized right away. It was the one Dylan and I gave her for her twenty-fifth birthday.
I
loved that necklace, which is the reason we bought it for her.

“Here.” She stepped over and pushed my hair to the side as she fastened it, then she walked around to the front of me and smiled. “Perfect. It’ll be your something borrowed.”

I laughed, “I’m not getting married Libs.” My eyes filled up. I think she was contagious.

“I know, but…” She wiped her eyes, “Oh don’t you start. You’ll smear your makeup.”

I looked up at the ceiling. It was something my mother told me to do ‘when you didn’t want to cry’. It never worked before, but it seemed to help now.

“Thank you for everything Libby. And your necklace…well, it’s just beautiful.”

“Go reapply your lipstick, he’ll be here any minute.” She looked at her watch.

“That’s if he doesn’t have car trouble.” I said snidely over my shoulder.

“Oh, that won’t stop him again. I’m sure he’d make sure he gets here no matter what.”

Just as soon as she finished her sentence the doorbell rang.

“Go, go fix your lips.” She shooed me away and I hurried into the bathroom carrying the small purse as Libby answered the door.

“Hello Libby.”

“Hi Mark. Reny will be right out.”

He stepped inside and I heard Libby shut the door.

“So, where are you two going?”

“I’ve made reservations at Union Square Café.”

“Oh, I heard good things about that restaurant.”

“The food is excellent. If you get the chance to go, I highly recommend it.”

“I’ll tell Josh to take me there.”

“Josh?”

“My soon to be fiancé, if he finally get’s on with it and asks me officially.” She laughed.

“I’m sure it’s coming soon.” I said as I stepped in the room, “He’s nuts about her.”

I don’t think Mark heard a word I said. He stared at me like I was a ghost. Libby had her goofy grin on and I, well, I stood there like a statue.

“You are absolutely…breathtaking.” His voice was smooth as silk and I gripped my purse tighter. That line followed by his smile…well.

“She cleans up real good.” Libby said with a Southern accent.

“Thank you…both… I think.” I shot a look at Libby.

“Remember to be home by midnight…you know the pumpkin thing.” She whispered the last part.

“Yeah, midnight.”

Mark stepped forward and took my hand, “It was worth every single morning.”

I must have looked confused.

“Every morning I sat at that Coffee Shack, it was worth every single one of them.”

I smiled at the compliment, but inwardly I was trembling from head to toe. I was so out of my comfort zone here; like a fish out of water, so to speak.

“Shall we?”

“Yes.” I turned and gave Libby a hug and whispered ‘thank you’ in her ear, “I’ll see you later?”

“Yup, I’ll be the one lounging around in the cute Sponge Bob jammies.” She laughed.

When we stepped outside I looked for the dark blue sedan but didn’t see it.

“You parked near?” I was worried about navigating the sidewalk with these shoes. I haven’t worn heels in a long time and was unsure I’d be able to remain upright.

“Tonight we are going in this.” He stepped down the last step and a chauffer stepped over and opened the back door of a limousine.

“Miss.” He touched the brim of his hat.

“Thank you.” I dipped and lowered myself to the seat. I skooched over as soon as I got in making room for Mark.

He got in and the door was closed behind him. He leaned forward and reached over me to pull my seatbelt into position. The loud click echoed in the large space.

Lifting the top of a large square glossy wood box he removed a bottle of Champagne and poured a glass, “Champagne?”

I took it. I could use any help to calm my raging nerves.

“Thank you.” I said softly as I smoothed my dress on my lap.

Then he poured himself one and set the bottle back inside the box before lowering the lid.

“To tonight.”

“To tonight.” I repeated. “Wow, I wasn’t expecting this.” I nodded indicating the limousine.

“I figured with the hassle of driving in Manhattan, finding parking, walking the streets…all bothersome. Especially when I can spend that time getting to know you.”

I sipped on the Champagne. “Delicious.”

He sat back and pulled his seatbelt across his lap, locking it into place. Then pushed a button above his head. “We’re ready Ralph.”

The car slowly pulled out, and we were on our way.

“So. What is it you do Mark?” I said as I looked around at the interior of the limousine.

“I own a Real Estate Management business.”

“Oh. Well, that would explain why your boss wasn’t angry when you stopped for coffee every morning, spending an hour waiting for a stranger to walk in.”

He laughed at my comment, and inwardly I prayed I would make it through this night.

Chapter 17

To tell you the truth, I was more afraid of having to tell him about my past then I was of thwarting his advances, but he made the ride into the City entertaining with stories of his adventures in the kitchen. Turns out we have that in common. A shared love of cooking, although mine has somewhat faded in the past year.

The car stopped in front of the Union Square Café and I’d just about released my seatbelt when the door was pulled open by a smiling Ralph.

Mark stepped out first then assisted me. He held my hand and gently squeezed it. I have to admit I was surprised at my reaction. I got a warm tingly kind of sensation, although I could easily blame it on the Champagne, and definitely did.

Dinner was wonderful, both the food and the wine delicious. And Mark was a great talker. He has this way about him—a free going kind of relaxed feeling—that made you feel at ease. I contributed a small amount to the evening by recounting stories from when I was young, my life before Dylan. It seemed safer somehow to keep it to the times before I met Dylan. I wasn’t ready to talk about that part of my life yet. I still had way too much pain.

When they brought out the dessert and coffee I giggled. I’m pretty sure I was a bit inebriated.

“What?”

“Just thinking about you and the Coffee Shack.”

“Hey. Don’t knock a plan that works. And it worked didn’t it?”

“Yes. I guess it did.”

There was an awkward silence and I rushed to fill it.

“Where did you get your love of cooking?”

“My wife Jennifer. She always pulled me into the kitchen to help her and I picked it up quick.” He smiled, but it was a somewhat sad smile. “She said I was a natural. I think it was more to keep me in there with her, but I ended up loving it.”

“You’re not still…she and you.”

“No. No, Jennifer died a little over a year and a half ago.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I was more than sorry. I was flooded with memories I wanted kept away. I stammered, “It’s not my business. I’m so sorry.” I suddenly felt sick.

“I don’t mind talking about it.” He looked down at his plate for a moment, “Although there was a time when it was too difficult to talk about.” He looked up at me, and it was almost like he was checking to see how I was handling the news he’s divulged, “When she first died I hated the world and everything and everyone in it. Took me some time before I could stand to be near people again.”

“I’m sorry to bring up such a painful memory… I’m sor…it…it’s obvious that you loved her…very much.” I don’t know why I said that. I couldn’t be sure that’s the way he felt, but the way he said her name and the sadness that clouded his beautiful blue eyes told me he loved her a great deal, and for a moment I hurt for him.

“I did. She was a wonderful person in every way. She was a phenomenal human being, a warm and wonderful woman, she was perfect…well perfect for me that is.” He laughed awkwardly. “But I finally realized keeping myself away from others, was only making what was already horrible, worse. I knew she wanted me to go on with my life, and I promised her I would do that. It was the last thing I told her, that, and I loved her.”

I was on the verge of crying my eyes out here, every muscle in my body tensed, and I think Mark sensed that. He asked for the check and we both walked solemnly to the car, each of us thinking of another time.

When we got inside and were seated he pushed the button and gave Ralph an address, I’m pretty sure he said Upper East Side. I don’t know why but I got nervous. I twisted my hands together and leaned back in the seat. Again, Mark reached over and pulled my seatbelt across me, clicking in place before doing the same with his. My body froze and tingled at the same time.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up memories you…”

“No. I like talking about Jenn. It helps me a great deal.”

“How?” I was a ball of turmoil now and maddeningly confused. “How does it help to talk about losing the one person you loved so much?” I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do, I even told myself, rather loudly, not to open my mouth, but here it was; a more then healthy dose of heartbreak coming his way. “I can’t seem to get past it.” It was a declaration.

He nodded, as if he knew what I would say. Almost like he was expecting it.

“I…I can’t get past it.” Guess what came next? Sobs. That’s what was next. Sobs, the likes of which I never wanted to experience again, overtook me and here I was crying my heart out to a total stranger in the back of a limousine.

Mark sat next to me, caring blue eyes, solemn expression, encouraging me to go on. I couldn’t help it, I glared at him through my tears. He must have seen the anger on my face.

“If you’d rather not talk I totally understand,” He sat back against the seat, “I was like that for a long time. It took time, but I finally came around…finally got back to living…I know it helped me to talk about it, about us.”

Us?

Suddenly I felt alone. Like I had no one to help me. I felt the first pangs of anger…and jealousy?

“How did your wife die?” It was almost an accusatory question. Almost like it couldn’t possibly be worse than my situation. Like it was a contest to see who suffered more. Like my pain is somehow more palpable than anyone I’ve ever known or heard about.

I know it sounds insane, but grief does strange things to a person. It is almost dehumanizing.

He closed his eyes. But before he did I saw a look of regret.

“She died of Chronic myelomonocytic leukaemia. It’s a rare blood cancer.” When he said it he had a pained look on his face.

But I felt triumphant in a very selfish kind of way.

“I’m sorry. That is awful.” I took a deep breath knowing I was about upstage him. Like grief could somehow be measured, and by way of the consummation of pain, an award would be given to the winner, the one with most sadness, most agony. It was a singular pain, one that couldn’t be explained away by a biologic malfeasance. “I killed Dylan.”

He blinked and tried to refocus. It was then I knew I won, that I was the worse off then the two of us. I was more…pitiful. But it got his attention and his eyes widened at the forcefulness of my tone.

“Why do you think you killed him?” He quickly regained his composure.

It was a simple question; it was the answer that was not.

“He died because I was selfish. I killed him.” I hadn’t said that aloud for a long time and the impact it had on me was nothing short of monumental. I cried like there was no tomorrow and silently wished there wasn’t. “I was so selfish. I only cared for what I wanted. I was hungry for ice cream. I asked him to get it for me. I was…I was pregnant. I had a craving for ice cream and pound cake.” I rubbed my stomach. I know this because he took my hand off my belly and held it in his.

The tears started again.

I pulled my hand away from him and covered my eyes.

I felt like my head weighed a hundred pounds. Like it would explode with all the emotions I was experiencing.

“I’ve been exactly where you are now. I understand what you’re going through.”

“He never came home.” I turned my head and stared out the window. The beauty of the moon bouncing off the water was lost on me now, but it was something I knew Dylan would feel the need to point out. I laughed harshly.

“I sent him out and he never came back. He was killed in a car accident and it was all my fault, just as much as if I took a gun and shot him.”

“But you didn’t.” His voice was soft and sincere.

“It had the same end result, because of me he’s dead.”

“You said it was a car accident.”

“Yes.”

“Reny, we all have to deal with pain and loss at some point of our lives, but if we blame ourselves for something we had no control over, we’d never be able to move forward. I finally came to that conclusion and it nearly killed me getting there. I’d hate to see the same happen to you.”

“I lost our baby.”

That declaration brought with it a silence that seemed to go on and on.

“I’m sorry. That must have been…I can’t even imagine.” He lowered his head.

“Do you mind taking me home. I’m not feeling well.”

“Of course.” He pushed the button above his head, “Ralph, we’re ready to go back to Ms. McAdam’s home.”

“Yes sir.”

I leaned back against the headrest and stared straight ahead. I was having a lovely time until I opened my mouth and a world of hurt spilled out around the both of us and like a rushing river encircled us.

We finally pulled up outside my apartment building and Mark stepped out before assisting me out.

“Well,
I
sure know how to spark a first date.” I mumbled.

He laughed and shook his head.

“Believe it or not. I had a really great time. And you are probably the best time I’ve had in a long time.”

“That is so sad.” I laughed keeping my voice low.

“I’d like to see you again.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I was surprised as all hell.

“No. I’m not and just so you know, it gets easier going forward.”

“Well, it sure as hell couldn’t get much harder.”

“Please say you’ll go out with me again.” Between the tone in his voice and the plea in his eyes I felt so confused, but a part of me needed it. Needed him. I just didn’t know it yet.

“I’d like that…I think.”

“I’ll take that. At least I’ve got a fighting chance. Baby steps.” He grinned like a fool and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Thank you again for tonight.” I felt like a total ass saying that, especially how the evening ended.

He leaned in and kissed each of my eyelids before lightly kissing my cheek.

“Till next time.”

“Goodnight Mark.” I turned and unlocked the door.
 

As soon as I locked the door behind me Libby was standing there, as promised, in her Sponge Bob jammies. She took one look at me and her eyes welled.

“It all came out…just came out.” I said crying on Patrick Star. Holy cow, I was having an awful effect on people tonight.

“Oh Reny. I’m so sorry.”

I washed up and got undressed, hung the beautiful dark red dress in the closet. Then kicked my shoes off and went into the bathroom to wash my face. Afterwards I walked back into the bedroom wearing my nightshirt and climbed into bed next to Libby.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Not really. He was married. His wife died.”

“Oh my God. From what?” I noted she didn’t sound too surprised.

“Some kind of cancer.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Yeah. We have a few things in common.” The irony was overwhelming.

“Was the whole night a wash?”

“No. Dinner was nice, and everything tasted so good.”

“Are you going to see him again?” She asked as I turned off the lights.

“I don’t know. I mean, in a way it was like the weight of a boulder was taken off my back, but in another way, that kind of pain…both of us. I just don’t think it can work.”

“I think you should sleep. Things will be different in the morning.”

“You know Libs, there are times when you sound just like Dylan.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

I smiled in the dark.

“Night Libs I love you.”

“Me too Ren.”