Withholding Secrets (8 page)

The day slammed into my body and my muscles sagged, refusing to work anymore than what they had to for me to change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. My bed was chanting, calling me to crawl under the covers and allow my body to rest, but it was Friday night and I promised movies and pizza for Jordan’s congratulatory dinner. For his first hockey practice, I wanted him to know that he was doing something good for himself. Now, I just had to get them to choose a pizza and order so we could watch the two movies we rented.  

I went around the corner of the dining area and put my clothing into the laundry room, taking notice of the growing clothing pile and the two seated at the kitchen table with their books spread out. Tomorrow was another day, and the laundry and homework could just wait until then. “What are you two doing?”

“Homework.” Jordan grumbled as he opened his notebook, hunching over it.

“My mom had this thing where Friday nights, there wasn’t any housework, homework, or anything except for family time.” I smiled as I checked over the soap, making sure that I had enough for the laundry. It was getting low, but I should have enough to take down the pile.

“Well, your mom isn’t here right now, is she?” He bit back as his brows pinched in the middle of his forehead as Sky was getting ready to pack up her stuff. “Start your homework.”

A pit opened in the bottom of my stomach, large enough for my heart to drop into without making a splash of any contents inside. No. My mom wasn’t here right now, and she never would be. Lately, I was missing her more and more every day. Sometimes, I just stared at her picture in my bedroom, wanting to hear her voice telling me that I was doing the right thing for these kids.

Sky said something, but the growl came from Jordan a lot louder as he slammed his hand down on the top of his notebook. “Her mother isn’t even coming around because even she knows this is a mistake. She’s not going to keep us. Stop dreaming and do your damn homework!”

My heart was heavy in my chest as I rubbed my eyes. The hot and salty waters were swelling up in my eyes, blurring my vison. But what would crying do? I would still have the stress along with a pounding headache. In all the years that my mom struggled, I had never seen anything expect for a strong and beautiful, proud woman. Everyone always said that I had taken after her. Maybe it wasn’t just the looks. Maybe I had her strength, too. I had to be strong and proud, and for them, that was what I was going to be.

“Why don’t you think that she’s called her then? She doesn’t want us, Sky.” He cursed as he slammed his book closed and started to shove all his items back into his bag.

Sky’s bottle of hurt finally overfilled and the cries bellowed out. “Because her mom’s dead, that’s why, Jordan. God. Sometimes I really hate you! You are going to ruin this for us! I like her! Don’t you see that she’s doing everything that she can—?”

“She called them to take us! They are going to come and get us any day now!”

“No. She didn’t! She called to get you on the team! She didn’t call to send us away! You are just going to ruin this!” Her chair was pushed across the floor, and I could hear her feet pounding around to the staircase, up to her room, and the door closing hard.

Walking out of the laundry room, my chest tightened as I saw his head in his hands and his elbows on the table. A curse poured through his lips as his jaw tightened and the few tear drops plunked onto the tabletop.

I pulled the twenty out of my pocket and put it on the counter by my phone. I always left my phone on the counter for us all to use. It was the only phone we had, and I wanted them to be able to call friends if needed or wanted until things got a little better for us. “Here’s some money to order pizza. Go ahead and call when you want. It’s…” I pulled back my tears as the lump filled my throat. What in the hell was I doing with these two? They were better off with two people that could provide for them better than I could. “It’s Friday night, so it will take a little longer to get here.”

He didn’t move and didn’t say a word. His hunter green shirt hung from his slumped shoulders as he just sat there, not even wanting to look at me.

I went upstairs to the small room and knocked on the door. Listening to the muffled cries urged my knee joints to shrivel up and shake.

“Go away, Jordan! I don’t want to talk to you! All you’re going to do is ruin this, and I don’t want to go away! I like it here!” Her sorrow began to eat up her words and they tapered off into a strong, yet breathless cry.

er sorrow began to eart away

“It’s me, Sky. Can I come in?” The tears were filling in my eyes as I slowly opened the door and looked around. This was no bedroom for a girl. Her clothing was neatly folded on some crates that she emptied and used to keep what she did have neat.

My chest closed in to the point where my lungs were depleting oxygen. What could I say? I didn’t want my life brought onto those kids. My life was the past, and this was the present. I couldn’t change what happened with Joe, but I could learn from it and grow and try to give these kids something they needed. “He’s scared, Sky. He’s scared just like you are. He’s scared just like I am.”

“You’re not scared. You’re so … strong.”

“I’m scared to death.” Taking a seat on the edge of the twin mattress, my legs were scrunched and the walls were closing in on me even more. I needed to get her moved to that other room. That was what I should have done before, whether or not Joe liked it.

“Of what?” She sat up with the tears raining down her innocent face, gluing the shattered pieces of my heart back together.

“Everything, Sky. This is all new to me, too. I didn’t expect this to happen.” Cupping my head in my hands, I let myself cry a little. “But, I wouldn’t change it at all. I can’t let anything else happen to either one of you again.”

“Keri, I like it here. And I don’t want to leave.” She crawled over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her soaked cheeks were being dried by my t-shirt. “I don’t want to ever leave. I like it here with you.” Her cries had come harder and faster until the fury of the storm finally unleashed, drenching my cotton covered shoulder.

I held her. I wrapped my arms around her and silently cried with her. “I’m so sorry that I can’t give you everything. I am so sorry that he walked out on us. Sky, I am so sorry. I just want you to be safe and protected. I never want anything to happen to you again.”

Getting our crying calmed down, I brushed away my tears as I let out a little giggle. Wrapping her in my arms, pulling her tight to my chest, I gave her another hug.

She rested back on her legs and used her fingertips to wisp away her salty valleys. “What was your mom like?”

“She was…” The salt burn was coming forth again. How I missed that woman. She was an older version of me, so beautiful, and I still remembered how gorgeous she was all dressed up and her hair perfect in that twist. The dress that she wore on the last night I saw her was long and sliver; clung to her womanly curves. Her makeup was light and accented the strong, graceful features of her face; the beautiful higher and well defined cheekbones, and the bright gunmetal eyes that were lined with just the right amount of liner and decorated with just a simple touch of dark brown, the same color as her perfectly wrapped hair. When she came out of her room, sliding her hands down her hips to smooth out the dress, I swore that I was looking at one of the actresses from a nineteen-thirties when the women were impeccable. “She was beautiful and strong and graceful. I still remember her when she left that night. She was nervous and thrilled and happy. I wanted to hug her, but I was afraid to wrinkle her.”

“Do you have any pictures of her?”’

“I do. There’s one on my dresser of her, and I have some more in my closet that I will bring out someday.” Taking those photos out of the container would open the healed wound I was left with on the day we buried her, and picking off the scab wouldn’t help matters right now, either. Not when I needed her to help me follow through with my decision on keeping the two kids. “I’ve been thinking...”

“About what?”

“This weekend … why don’t we move your room across to that other one? This is just way too small for you.”

“This is fine, Keri.” Her eyes scanned over her neat piles of clothing, her favorites on top and displayed to where she could easily get to them.

“No.” Shaking my head, I forced a smile and swallowed down the heavy, thick, and sticky guilt lump. “No, it’s not. And it never should have been.”

The teary smile widened on her innocent face, her eyes lighting up with the new hopes of finally finding a family. “I would really like that.”

“Okay. Then that is the plan.” My voice cracked as the cries tried to poke their way through the plastic wall I threw up in the tousle of thoughts about my mom.

Retreating to my bedroom as fast as I could, I pushed the wood door closed and sat on the edge of my bed. The slow brewing storm swung back around for another round-about as I looked at that beautiful, poetic face of my mother through a sheet of salty rain. Picking the brass frame up, I brushed my fingertips over her well-defined cheekbones and her ruby red lips. If I could just hear her songbird voice telling me that I could do this, the strength would rise and I would be able to stand up for these two and myself.

“Keri?” Jordan’s head peeked in the half-ajar door. “The pizza’s here.”

Grabbing the blanket, I started to fold it, making him think that I was just cleaning up. I let Sky see me cry, and I really had to watch it. Showing my weakness and vulnerability would only allow his wolves to attack, assuring him I was in no shape to take them both in. No matter what I told him, he was never going to believe that I would do anything to protect them and take care of them. “I’ll be right out, but go ahead and start.”

His lips parted, but no words spewed out, lashing his anger into the air. Though, his rich, dark eyes eased back as he slunk into the confinements of the hall and disappeared.

Gaining my composure, I walked out and saw the very large pizza on the coffee table with three glasses of soda waiting. Sky was wearing her black tank top and her black ruffled pajama shorts, cuddling into the one corner of the couch. Jordan walked in from the kitchen, changed into his green and black pajama pants with a black tee shirt. Scratching the back of his head, he glanced at the doorway past the staircase.

“I got the special with the free two liter of soda. It was twelve dollars.” Clearing his throat, he took a seat next to the coffee table and glanced over at Sky. Carefully, he placed a piece on a plate for her and passed it over with a napkin. “We should eat while it’s warm.”

“Come on, Keri. There’s enough for all of us.” Sky patted the couch as a hope sprayed over her face in hopes of us all sitting together and watching the movies.

“Which one are we watching first?” Pushing the lump in my throat down to rest in the gloomy world of despair in my stomach, I allowed my grief to subdue and accepted the plate Jordan passed over to me. Taking a seat on the couch, I balanced the plate on my lap, my hunger awakening, growling, and begging to be fed.

Lifting his shoulders up, Jordan served himself a plate and filled in the open end. “Sky’s is fine.”

“Let’s get this movie going.” Grabbing the remote off the table, I passed it to Jordan and indulged in the pepperoni pizza. Instead of jumping up when we each finished, we placed the plates on the table and enjoyed the movie. Before I knew it, I curled my legs up and cuddled into the back cushion and Sky’s sleepy body rolled into me. Guiding her to lie down, I stifled a yawn and glanced over at Jordan.

A huff of air shot out of him, his shoulders slunked as he scooted to the edge of the couch, and the embracement sheeted his face with a nice coat of crimson. “Thanks for getting me on the team. I appreciate it.”

“I’m really trying, Jordan. I want you both to be happy.” Smoothing the dark chocolate hair back, I smiled as I looked down at the sleeping girl as the thought passed through my mind of sitting with my mother on the couch and watching movies.

“She really likes you.” Twisting around, he tugged the throw blanket from the back of the couch and reached over to cover Sky up. “I just have to watch out for her. I’m her big brother, and I just … I have to.”

“And I have to watch over both of you. That’s my job now.” Shifting my look up to him, the urge of a hug sprouted inside of me, but I contained that evil monster and held back, not wanting to ruin this moment.

“But it isn’t your job, Keri.” Folding his hands in front of him, he let them hang as his elbows rested on his knees. 

I nodded as I plucked out a little curl of the long, dark hair and played with it, wishing I had some sort of life to my hair. “It is. I’m not letting you two go anywhere.”

He was silent for a while as he stared at the blank television screen until his jaw tightened and his shoulders stiffened as he rested back into the cushions. “Aren’t you mad that he walked out?”

“I was at first.”

“Now?”

I shook my head slightly, careful not to wake Sky. “I’m glad.”

“Why? Look at how he’s ruined your life.” The anger colored back into his deep brown eyes, and the hurt radiated off his stiffened body. “You’re … what … twenty-three. What kind of life are you going to have with two kids?”