X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (9 page)

. . . numquam phytophagis occurreris nisi ungulatis

. . . your idea of a party animal is a goat

. . . animal convivialissimum arbitreris esse caprum

. . . your car has sword blades welded to its wheels

. . . habeas currum falcatum

. . . there are usually about three hundred other people in the tub when you take a bath

. . . plerumque, cum laveris, adsint in calidario tecum alii fere trecenti

. . . you think it would be really cool to be Greek

. . . putes esse lepidissimum Graecari

. . . you stay home all day if you see a woodpecker over your left shoulder or hear an owl

. . . domi maneas totum diem cum post tergum conspicias a sinistra picum, vel audias bubonem

. . . you’re never surprised to discover that the guy running the empire is a moron, a pervert, or a lunatic

. . . numquam admireris te invenire gubernatorem imperii fatuum esse, vel pravum, vel vesanum

Restaurant ’Tude—
BILIS IN POPINA

My name is Sir—I’ll be your customer tonight

Nomen mihi est Dominus—hodie vobiscum cenabo

My sign is, I sign the check

Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham

The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something

De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam

If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?

Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?

Exactly how fresh is that pepper?

Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?

Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?

Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?

This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa

Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus

My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school

Summam coquo laudem tribuo—imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit

No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote

Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet

I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel

In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat

I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends

Zago, zagas, zagat

Winespeak—
DICTA ARBITRI VINI

It’s an intense chalky white marked by overtones of turpentine and lead, with a bright, long-lasting finish

Vinum peralbum cretosum est, resinam terebinthinam et cerussam redolens, nec sine polimine nitido durabili

It’s a pointless little red wine with a unique balance of ignorance and pretension made by an obnoxious millionaire Napa Valley dilettante for self-important dumb-lucky dickheads just like him

Vinum irritum pusillum rubrum est, incomparabiliter librans ignorantiam suam cum ostentatione, a quodam Trimalchione Napaensi confectum salaputiis gloriosis immerito fortunatis, persimilibus sui

It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking

Vappa vilissima est, quae capitis dolores facit, quamque ex lagona obturamento versatili clausa in lagunculam reliquam, cui pittacium Gallicum speciosum affixum erat, transfudi, dum nemo me spectabat

* It’s a dirt-cheap head-banging screw-top bum wine that I poured into a leftover bottle with a fancy French label while no one was looking.

** My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school.

The Bestseller List—
TABULA LIBRORUM VENDIBILISSIMORUM

Quick and Easy Decorating Secrets That Let You Turn a Rustic Hovel into a Charming Country Home without Busting Your Budget
by Vitruvius

Artis Ornatus Arcana Per Quae Casa Tua Rustica Celeriter Expediteque Converti Potest in Villam Venustam Sine Sumptu Extra Modum Vitruvius Pollio scripsit

Toujours, Gaul
by Julius Caesar

Semper, Gallia C. Iulius Caesar scripsit

Eat Right—for that Lean and Hungry Look!
by Cassius

Edi Recte—ut Speciem Macram et Ieiunam Geras auctore C. Cassio Longino

Great-Tasting Hot Meals Your Slaves Can Whip Up in Two Days or Less
by Cato the Elder

Edulia Calida Sapidissimaque quae Familia Tua Potest Parare Duobus Diebus vel Uno M. Porcius Cato descripsit

Cleopatra’s Hour-a-Day Bun-Firming Love-Muscle Sexercise Workout
by Mark Antony

De Cleopatrae Callipygiana Exercitatione Aphrodisiaca Per Unam Horam in Singulos Dies Musculorum Venereorum M. Antonius scripsit

Letters to My Cat
by Pliny the Younger

Epistulae ad Felem Suam quas C. Plinius Caecilius Secundus scripsit

What Color is Your Catapult?
by Frontinus

Cuius Coloris est Catapulta Tua? Sextus Iulius Frontinus scripsit

Oracles Say the Darnedest Things
by Livy

Oraculis Inusitatissima Enuntiantur Titus Livius scripsit

Entrail Reading for Dummies
by Cicero

Haruspicium Stipitibus Explicat M. Tullius Cicero

Men Are from Troy, Women Are from Greece
by Virgil

E Troia Viri, Ex Graecia Feminae Oriuntur P. Virgilius Maro scripsit

Now You Can Lose Weight without Vomiting with the Revolutionary Lark’s Tongue Diet
by Apicius

Nunc Adipem Deponere Potes Sine Vomitu per Diaetam Novam atque Inauditam Quae Linguarum Alaudarum Esum Praescribit L. Apicius scripsit

Latin for Trekkies—
SERMO LATINUS SECTATORIBUS PEREGRINATIONIS ASTRALIS

Our shields are down to 25 percent and those stupid sparks are coming out of all the control panels!

Scutorum nostrorum potestatis remanet solummodo quarta pars, et istae scintillae ridiculae ex omnibus claviaturis gubernatoriis evolant!

We’re being controlled by a subordinating conjunction of time implying purpose or intent

Coercemur coniunctione subiunctiva temporali quae propositum vel intentionem significat

Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimilated into the subjunctive.

Resistere irritum est. Praeparate vos ad translationem in modum subiunctivum.

It’s our only hope. Activate the transitive verbs and engage the ablative of separation.

Hoc sola spes nobis est. Verbis transitivis citis, adhibe casum ablativum separationis.

We’re entering the future perfect indicative. We’ll only have one chance to achieve a case shift.

Intramus tempus futurum perfectum modo indicativo. Unam tantum occasionem habebimus mutandi casum.

We’re slipping into the passive. Quick, reroute all available power to the verb endings.

In genus passivum labimur. Inmitte cito impetum omnem quem in promptu habemus in terminationes verborum.

We have entered. We shall have entered! Do be entering!

Intravimus! Intraverimus! Intratote!

To be continued . . .

Narratio resumetur . . .

Attack Ads—
PRAECONIUM PROCAX CANDIDATORUM

Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers