Cailín (Lass) (Anam Céile Chronicles) (35 page)

Something
in yer eyes kept haunting me.  Why have you been taken away from me?  Now who
will bring you back from where there be no return?

‘Tis
growing ever colder without yer love. 

Why can
you not feel me calling yer name?

The
sound of the storm, the flickering light, his touch, the feel of his skin, the
way his scent filled up the night, still lingering within me, filling me head,
making me ache with this pain . . .

No more
whispered words.  No more soft kisses.  No more sweet refrain.  No more slow
walks in the rain.  Never again will I live the life that wakes me in the night
with desire.  Never again will I glow as did I under his touch.

Oh
Donovan!  Meself I hate, fer breathing here without you.  I do not want to feel
anymore without you.  I long to be as you, with you, lying cold in the ground
beside you.

‘Twas
as though all me screaming had gone unheard, doing nothing to relieve the pain
bottled up within me.  The unrelenting cold within me stinging to each and
every nerve inside.  The world before me so vast and empty without him here in
it, looming in on me. 

Certain
I be he would be here to keep me safe fer the rest of me life.  Now, instead I
be here all alone and scared, with no one to protect me.
 

As
though the gravity of this earth no longer tied me to it, I felt I be a
stranger to this place, to the world.

And me
head it keeps pounding.  It pounds harder, faster as me bleeding heart keeps
pumping pain through me, with each beat, it bleeds deeper.

Keep
safe inside me all me thoughts of you I will.  I cannot go on living, fer each
beat of me heart it be sheer agony, echoing over and over the truth that I live
on alone whilst me love, you do not.  Will you be somewhere on the other side
or will you forget me?

In the
blackest place I be so far down, the colours of this world taunting the
darkness which now engulfs me.  Roaming through this darkness alive I be, yet
alone.  The pain within me so fierce I could scarcely breathe fer it, each
breath ripping me open more, the promise of feeling nothing at all luring me.

Few
would grieve one a lost soul as me.  Sweet life, you will end this eve.  In
death, I’ll be born to our love once again.  You set me on fire, then left me
here to burn.  In me death, I will caress you; with me last breath I’ll be
blessing you, loving you
. 

An alluring
voice whispers in me mind.
 Say goodbye now.  Do not be afraid. 

Fate it
be calling me to you.  Catch me as I fall, tell me you be here and all this be
over now.  Fer in death, our love will live on forever.

I walked
over toward the edge of the cliff.  The wind urged me closer to the edge.  I
glance over.  Steep and ridged it be.  The endless sea stretched out before me,
inviting me.  The waves far below, crash against the sharp edges of the stones
which await at the bottom, upon which to splatter me blood.  

Death
lay there before me eyes.  Awaiting its embrace, suddenly I felt no fear.  Me
mind became extraordinarily clear.  Forsaking all I have fallen fer, I rise to
meet me end. 

I
uttered me last words, “Soon, Donovan, our souls will be one as they were meant
to be and our union will be forever.  I know that everything I give, you will
return to me.  Thus I give you me life, hoping you will return ours to me.”

Clutching
to me the warm memory of him, I inhaled the scent of the breeze
and
then, holding me last breath, I closed me eyes.  Perched atop the highest of
the cliffs, I raised me arms above me head in total surrender and dove into
that blood dark sea amidst the soul black night, anxious to meet me death upon
the jagged rocks and violent sea below. 

Graciously
I plummeted seemingly endlessly.  Me hair whipping back, the air rushing past
me naked flesh, as it stripped me of all me grief.  The pain be replaced with
delicious anticipation at reuniting with me Donovan in that beautiful place
where never again would we be separated. 

Unexpectedly,
the feeling be so incredible, so liberating!  Soaring I be through the salty
moist air as the bird I had wished to become, the gossamer clouds swathing me,
soaring to heaven to join me love.  As I plunged to me death, the euphoria in
me ‘twas climber higher and higher, everything in me reaching after him, until—

I
felt
the impact.  

Much to
me torment, I fully experienced every solitary excruciating sensation as me
worldly body collided onto the boulders with a force so severe it should have
duly cracked me in two as me body contorted perversely over them.  The breath
heaved from me harshly in one blow.  The force of it sent piercing shock waves up
me back and down me spine.

Abruptly,
everything went dark, the blackness shrouding me as a vast crushing weight. 

Then
darker still it went.  Though, horrifically, still I retained consciousness.

No! 
This cannot be!  Take me away from here!  To him!

A
moment later, I sensed me helpless form slide off the rocks and into the sea. 
I welcomed it, yearning fer it to cleanse me sorrows, to end this once and fer
all.  I found meself alone among that raging sea, the sea of me ever waking
nightmare.  Me reunification with the only one I loved stolen, with only his
memories drowned deep inside of me. 

I not be
as ready to meet death as I thought I’d be.  The urge to panic threatened to
consume me as I gasped deeply filling me crushed lungs with water, leaving me
aching fer breath, battling against the tightness in me chest.  As white light,
the pain flashed through me, the cold blackness closing in around me. 

After
that initial flash of panic, the roaring of the water faded into silence, as
though it and I were one and the same substance— the blackness which promised
to eradicate me very existence.  I prayed this be the end. 

Although
nothing about me could see I fer the blackness, all of a sudden, I saw
him
,
with a light glowing all around him divinely, as he gazed at me with those
stunning sapphire eyes, radiating love.  He reached his hand out toward me. 

Donovan
has come to take me away with him, as I wished!
 

I
reached me hand back to him.  Our fingertips just barely touched and in that
moment, all me pain faded, me physical body mattered not, but instead ‘twas
replaced by an embracing sense of serenity in me. 

Then I
felt meself fading away, but I did not have a care— rather elated I be — fer I
knew I was to be secure in his arms, wherever ‘twas he would take me, I would be
with him once more and that be the only thing that mattered. 

C
onsciousness
I recovered slowly, although full cognizance of the preceding events took
somewhat longer to return.  Foremost I did hear various sounds gradually
probing into me head— sounds of water rushing in and then rolling back out
nearby, birds squawking overhead— they came to me vaguely, muffled at first,
then becoming gradually increasing audible. 

Then I
felt the water, felt me body submersed in it, realised I be lying somewhere within
the water.  Repeatedly it came up to wash over me almost entirely and then
rescinded, leaving me naked body practically entirely exposed to the air.  When
it did, I shivered— not from cold, rather from shock— and I detected the severe
stinging of me skin.  

It be then
I realised I be laying across a scattering of rocks of differing shapes, one or
some jabbing me most uncomfortably in the back.  Without thinking, I attempted
to shift me position to be rid of the discomfort and brought severe agony unto
meself fer move I could not, without a plethora of debilitating pains. 

Make
sense of the pain I could not, so bewildering ‘twas.  I felt as though I must
surely have shattered into a million fragments inside.  

I
strived to recollect how and why I be here, as this.  Me thoughts, once they
sluggishly emerged, were with much struggle, and materialized in most
disjointed a manner. 

Think, I
cannot. 

What be
this? 

What be
this place . . . ? 

Who I
be . . . ? 

Why I
be . . . ? 

Me body
it be shattered and sore.  It tortures me to move me hands, to try to move at
all.
 
Hurts even to shift me eyes in me head
. 

Then,
reality bleeding into consciousness, the why flits back into me mind, and with
it the twisting of me heart revived, the pain swelling exponentially, rapidly
overshadowing me countless physical sufferings, consuming me.
 

What? 
I last remember him coming to take me away with him! 

Why be
I still here?! 

I know
real ‘twas! 

We
touched!  Why do I not be with him now?! 

Time it
passes so slowly waiting fer the life to slip out of me, to join with you once
again.

Imprisoned
I be within me head, me thoughts bouncing off the insides of me skull.  And the
world fell away from me, leaving a wide abyss fer me to fall into.  Me heart
clenched, inverting upon itself.  Scalding tears spilled down me sun scorched
face, stinging it.  I just longed to curl up into meself, to evaporate, yet me
body will not permit it.
 
I yearned to
scream out in frustration, yet knew it not be possible, crushed the way I be.
              
Trapped as that, I awaited the
beauty of death. 

Oh,
Please let me die . . .

Slowly
it all began to come back to me, the horror of everything that had taken place.
 
I be
livid that I had not met me coveted death, and instead I be rewarded only with
this infinite measure of pain, injured, with inconceivable blood loss and
numerous shattered bones.  Quite unfathomable this be to me, not only
considering the impact of the rocks below, but the fact that at the very least
I should have drowned after being knocked unconscious and sliding into the sea. 

And make
any sense of it I could not.

I
strained to release the seal of me withered eyes.  When I did, the light
glaring in be so merciless it virtually blinded me and set them to stinging.  Upon
adapting to it best they could, immediately I perceived that which I wish I had
not, and each and every atrocious thing that had commenced these weeks past,
they all stormed me at once. 

Me
life, me love, the loss, the reason fer . . . me lying here . . . as this . .
.  now. 

Feeling
me bursting heart as it bled out through me eyes, whilst I laid there upon me
back, trembling and torn, and completely immobilized, there be naught I could
do save  observing the wispy clouds as they rolled by. 

I
screamed at the trenchant reminder of that flawless cerulean sky shining down upon
me, urgently wishing fer rain, typically so commonplace there in me beloved
Éire
.
 

This
not be the way ‘twas supposed to be!  I still be here— All that be left of
yesterday.  Join him in the afterlife I intended!  Not to be subjected to a
life here . . . as this . . .  alone . . .  without him!

‘Tis so
frightened I be by this.  Still, I suspect there be so much more to come which
I yet be unaware of.  Me wounds cry fer the grave.  Me soul cries fer
deliverance.  Why must I be denied?

Sometime
later, I awoke to me body tingling and vibrating.  I marveled at me perception
of the sun humming, something I had never experienced before then.  I did not
know if ‘twas in me delirium or if ‘twas indeed real. 

I heard
the waves beating against the rocks, splashing me in the face.

The
pain it be
everywhere
, all encompassing, ‘twas impossible to
differentiate between it, which part of me body be affected.  I
was
pain.  Ripped open I be:  me head . . .  me back . . . me heart.