Destined to Kill: A Destined Novel (Destined Novels Book 1) (36 page)

"Sam, are you going to find some way to exonerate me of all my wrong doings?"

"I'll find any way I can to keep you alive."

"Whether you feel I have done wrong or not, I am Cursed. That is enough for you to kill me as it is."

Sam stalks off, punching a sparring dummy hard on his way out.

"You can't blame him for fighting this, Anala."

"I don't blame him, Eric. However, that doesn't change anything."

Eric lowers his head, saying nothing more. The others are also quiet, not sure what to say. I feel emotion well up inside me that I haven't felt since my parents were alive.

"Can you all leave me, please? I need to be alone for a while. You should eat. Make it a hearty meal with a lot of protein. Then, get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be hell."

They surprise me by hugging me on the way out - yes, even Jenna. No words are spoken, but I hear their message in the simple hug. The task I have put before them is not one they will take easily. If at all.

Inhaling deeply, I begin the meditation process. I try clearing my mind of everything, try letting it go, but it's just not working. No matter what I try, Sam is there. Sam. The way he looks at me. The way he touches me. The way he makes me feel. It's all overwhelming, and wonderful...and incredibly painful.

I bury my face in my hands and begin to sob. What a cruel bitch fate is. I live for centuries wishing I could just end it only to get to here when I wish to live, but need to end it. I am so in love with Sam that the thought of leaving him hurts even my cold heart.

"Ana?"

Amanda sits next to me, draping her arm around me and hugging me close.

"You should be eating, Amanda," I say through sniffles.

"I was worried about you. What can I do?"

I give her a watery, sad laugh. "Put me out of my misery."

"Ana, don’t say things like that. This is hard enough as it is."

"I shouldn't be here, Amanda. If my parents had done what they were supposed to do, none of this would be happening."

"They loved you too much to kill you. You can't blame them for that."

"They were the
Leaders
of the Society.
They
made the rules! You, Sam and the others would be leading normal lives had they followed their own rules."

"Normal or boring?"

"Amanda, you are going to graduate soon. You just started dating Robby. You have loving parents, and a plan for your future. Now, you don't even know if you'll live beyond tomorrow."

"Do you know what I've learned these past few weeks? I've learned how self-absorbed I have been. I wasn't ready for what comes after high school because I refused to grow the hell up. You helped me do that."

"It's called being a teenager," I say softly. "I envied that about you. You didn't have to deal with what I had to at your age. My innocence was taken away from me when I was just beginning to feel things a normal teenage girl was supposed to feel." Another tear rolls down my cheek. "And, it's going to be taken away from me again."

"It doesn't have to be. You can live like this, with Sam."

"And, what? Make him run with me? Moving every few years, never having a stable life? Watch him grow old? Watch him die?"

Tears pool in Amanda's eyes and she squeezes me tighter.

"I shouldn't be here," I repeat. "I shouldn't exist. I'm not natural. My existence puts everyone in danger."

"Once we finish this with Thomas, there won't be any more danger," Amanda sniffles.

"That's what I thought ages ago. I was wrong. As long as I am alive, that possibility exists. Amanda," I cut her off when she opens her mouth to argue. "I've made up my mind."

I breathe in Sam's scent, and it pulls at my broken heart.

"Your brother is here."

"I'll leave you two to talk," she replies as he walks in. "But, you should know, none of us have made up our minds."

I catch the look they give each other before Amanda leaves us alone. It makes me nervous to think of what they may have in store for me. Sam leans down and kisses me, tilting my head up to look me in the eye.

"It unnerves me to see you crying," he murmurs.

Absently, I wipe the tears from my cheeks, not mentioning how his kisses unnerve me.

He sits on the crate in front of me, holding my hands and gently stroking them with his thumbs.

"I'm sorry I left earlier."

"I understand. It's a difficult situation."

"Difficult? Try impossible. You know how I feel about you, Anala. How do you expect me to let you go. I just found you."

"Don't you understand that this is hard for me, too, Sam? I've never opened my heart to anyone. For this reason. It's too painful."

"It doesn't have to be. We can be together, Ana..."

"Sam, please. I can't." I cup his face in my hands. "I don't want to think about any of this right now. Can we just be together?" At least for one more night, I add silently.

He leans in and kisses me again. "Okay."

"Did you eat? You need your strength."

"I did. Did you?"

"Not yet."

"Good."

"I can't drink from you, Sam. Not tonight."

"Why?" He frowns, disappointed.

I have to get up, away from his intense stare.

"Because, like I said, you need your strength."

"I'll be fine. Please?"

I turn to him and scrutinize him. "You're addicted," I accuse.

"To you?" he laughs. "I think you're right."

"No. To me drinking from you. What does it do to you?"

"Nothing."

I can tell he's lying because he blushes ever so slightly, and his heartbeat accelerates.

"What does it do, Sam?"

He sighs and walks to me. "It feels amazing," he says, feathering a finger down my cheek. "Unlike anything I've ever felt before. And, when we...when we're together, it just intensifies everything."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me what it does to you when you drink from me?"

Amanda must have said something about my little experiment, and how I felt. Damn it. She's supposed to be my best friend, keeping my secrets, not running to her brother.

"It's not right, what I'm doing to you."

"What's not right about it? I offered. I want it. You're not doing anything wrong."

Every time I drink from Sam, a war wages between the Hunter in me and the Cursed One. Guilt versus pleasure. I always choose the pleasure. I can't do that tonight. I can't leave Sam weakened. And, honestly, I think guilt is closing in on me.

"I'm feeding from you! You're human! More than that, you're a
Hunter
!" I whirl away from him. "Papa would be so disappointed in me."

"Ana, look at me."

When I don't comply, he tugs my arm, turning me back towards him.

"Baby, I think your dad would understand. He loved you enough to keep you alive. I think he would accept that I love you enough to...provide for you."

Again, his endearment leaves me bewildered enough that I can't think of anything to say in rebuttal. To go from such a lonely existence to this, to someone who loves me, is almost too much.

Temptation sucks! No pun intended. I can't give in. Not tonight. Lord help me, I need to be strong.

"Sam, I want to be with you tonight." So much. "But, I can't drink from you." I put my finger to his lips when he begins to protest. "Don't. Don't ask, don't try to get me to do it. Please? Just be with me. As if I'm a human. I just want to be human with you tonight."

For one last night, I want to know what it's like to be in love, and to have someone love me. I want to have dreams of a future, be held like a lover and forget everything that lies ahead of me tomorrow. Tomorrow, my existence could end. I need to feel human, one last time.

I have been staring at the ceiling for half the night. Sam is sleeping, snoring softly as he does. His arm is draped across my body, holding me protectively. I would love nothing more than to fall asleep with him, and dream of rainbows and unicorns - okay, not really, but even that is better than what's in my head now.

I kiss Sam lightly on the forehead, and gently pull away from him. He must be tired as he only grumbles a little and rolls away.

Dressing in workout clothes, I make my way to the training room. This isn't where I want to be. I'd much prefer staying in bed with Sam, but in my restless state, I don't think it would be fair to him. So, I grab my swords and begin a vigorous assault on the sparring dummy. I try to imagine it's Thomas I'm fighting, and realize I'm holding back.

"Damn it!" Wiping sweat off my brow, I pull my hair back and secure it in a ponytail. "You're a Hunter, Anala! He is Cursed..." I punch the dummy hard enough to make it bend all the way back to the floor. Had it not been bolted down, it would have flown across the room. I castigate myself for being such a damn hypocrite.

"What am I going to do?" I'm alone, so obviously I'm not expecting an answer, though I could really use one.

"You do what you must, Anala."

The soft voice stuns me. I lift my swords tentatively to...to what? Fight the ghosts in my head?

"What is that?" I whisper. Of course. It's the one answer I need and all is silent.
It's all in your head, Anala,
I think to myself. If I want answers, I'm going to have to find them within myself. Sitting with my legs crossed, I breathe in deeply and immerse myself in meditation.

The meadow is beautiful and tranquil. A rainbow of flowers were in bloom, and they perfumed the air with their sweet scent. I remember this meadow. Mum and I used to come here when I was a child to pick bouquets for the house. It was our time together to talk and giggle like girls, instead of being a stoic and strong Hunter. I loved these moments with mum.

She stands by the enormous oak tree, dressed in the flowing cotton dress I knew so well. Though her back is to me, I recognize her instantly.

"Mum?"

She turns to me and smiles.

"Anala." She reaches out to me, and I come closer. Part of my subconscious knows this isn't real. Oh, how I wish it was.

"I miss you, mummy."

"I miss you, too, my sweet girl."

Imaginary or not, her sentiment touches me and I feel tears threatening.

"Tell me what to do, mum."

"I cannot, honey. This must be your decision. You know who you are, and what Thomas has become. Follow your heart."

"It is my heart that torments me. It is Thomas, mum."

"Is it?"

She is right. I cannot think of the boy Thomas used to be. Easier said than done.

"What if I cannot do it?"

"Then you will have failed, Anala."

The harsh words cut me deep.

"You did not kill me, mum. You and papa chose to keep me alive."

Her expression changes from serene to troubled.

"Yes, we did. We loved you and thought we could cure you. We were wrong. Look at what you are doing. Feeding from a Hunter, Anala?" She lowers her head, unable to look at me anymore. "Your father and I made a mistake."

I'm ripped from meditation, wounded by the statement. It takes me a moment to recognize my surroundings. I'm back in the training room, alone and shivering from the experience. I know it was my own consciousness that put those words in mum's mouth, but that doesn't help the agony I feel.

Anger consumes me. I grab my sword, and with one severe blow, I bring it down on the neck of the sparring dummy with a warrior cry filled with misery. The sheer power behind it has the head plunging off the dummy, rolling to rest at my feet.