Faded Perfection (Beautifully Flawed Book 2) (22 page)

I glanced over my shoulder at the three puppies in the backseat, harnessed and sleeping on top of each other and then back over at West. I let him drive now since I didn’t particularly like to, and I hadn’t gotten my bearings outside of the city yet. He caught me staring and smiled over at me, his hand on his thigh clenching and I wondered if he was thinking about putting it over mine. My palm tingled, and I my hand formed a fist as my eyes moved out the window to the suburb we were passing through. Since the day I started my new job I hadn’t returned to the city, and I felt tears prick a the corner of my eyes as I thought of the things I left behind. I wondered how Tara was doing. Every once in a while I’d pull her name up on IM at work and think about saying something–at least over IM it’d be somewhat safe. She couldn’t say anything nasty about me leaving Adam, but then again she could just ignore me. I pressed my eyes shut, tipping my head back against the seat. I missed her and even though Maggie filled part of that hole, she wasn’t quite Tara. Their personalities were close, but no one
was
Tara–just like no one was Bobby or Adam.

Adam.

My mind hadn’t drifted to him in over three weeks–the weeks since I last saw him, striding up to get a tattoo from the man who sat next to me. I swallowed, and somehow a sigh slipped passed my lips. West’s hand fell over mine and squeezed.

I opened my eyes and glanced over at him as he put the car into park in front of my condo. His eyes raced over mine. “Are you okay, River?”

I looked down at his hand over mine. “Yeah, just thinking.”

“About?” he asked, and my gaze flicked back up to his. He leaned forward, and I felt the warmth of his body lingering near me–the caring and worry in his eyes.

Could I tell him? Should I tell him?

“I burned a lot of bridges when I moved here…I just wonder if I could’ve done things differently. If I could’ve…”

Saved Adam from himself.

West knew Adam. He knew what kind of state he was in– he knew Adam signed to a label. He was probably friends with him for all I knew.

“It’s good to reflect on the past, but only to learn from it in the future,” West said, and his pupils dilated as he stared back at me.

He had a past too. Maybe I could tell him.

“I just…I don’t know…It’s like I can’t fully escape it.”

West shrugged, cocking his head at me. “Maybe you shouldn’t try to escape it. If you keep running, you’ll lose yourself.”

“I think I already have.”

I’d wanted Adam to find me, but he was too busy finding himself, and I was…my eyes lifted to West. I was here with this man who obviously cared about me.

I watched as his Adam’s apple rose and fell. “The only person who can find you–the real you–is yourself. Maybe you ran from who you were because you weren’t that person anymore. Now you just have to find out who you are
now
and learn to love that person.” His eyes dropped, and he flipped my arm so I could see the tattoo he gave me. “I think you have that strength, River. You just need to realize it.”

“Everyone kept saying I was so strong when everything was happening,” I replied, and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I was dancing around telling him the truth, but I was finally saying the things I held in. West’s hand lifted to my face, cupping my cheek and I closed my eyes. “And I was so weak.” I let my eyes open to find West’s bearing into mine. “No one ever saw it– no one tried to help. They just kept saying you’re strong. While I was completely fading.”

“Maybe what they saw was that you were strong for everyone else–but you needed to be strong for yourself. If you’re not strong for yourself, eventually everything else falls away.” West’s thumb stroked my cheek, and the aching hollow that had returned seem to move away. “I don’t know what happened before, but I don’t think you’re weak for moving here–away from what was dragging you down. I think it took a lot of strength to make the decisions you did.”

The breath I’d been holding kept out in a whoosh as I shook my head. “He’s always right.”

West’s eyes narrowed, and I took his hand to press it to my lips before letting it fall. His jaw slackened, and I blushed as I realized what I just did — kissed him– well, his hand.

Crossed the friend line much?

He withdrew his hand slowly, letting it fall into his lap, and I put my hand over my mouth as I glanced down at the floor of the car. West coughed, and my eyes lifted. He was blushing too.

“Who’s always right?” he asked.

“Oh,” I replied, shaking my head. “Jesse.”

“Why, what did he say?”

“That we needed each other,” I began and when his eyes widened I quickly added; “as friends.”

“Ah,” West said, looking ahead and tapping his hands against my steering wheel. “Yeah, he’s usually right.” His gaze moved to the corner of his eyes, and he asked, “What else did he say about us?”

We’d be good together.

I pursed my lips, and it was my turn to avoid his gaze. “Nothing really.”

West chuckled to himself. “I hope he’s right about that too.”

My body shot with tingles as I looked back at him, a crooked grin on his lips. Had Jesse had the same conversation with West?

“Well, I owe you dinner for tonight,” West said as he glanced into the back seat.

“No, you drove, so it’s my turn to cook,” I replied as I got out of the car and went to unbuckle Bagel.

“Can you cook?” West asked as he leaned in to unbuckle his puppies. His eyes twinkled.

“Yes, and very well, I’ll have you know.”

“Alright — I’m excited to see this,” he said as we made our way up the walk. “And what are we having?”

“Thai chicken salad,” I replied, and he blinked at me as I opened the door.

“Salad?”

I nodded as I placed Bagel on the ground and headed into the kitchen.

“The best damn salad you’ll ever eat,” I said, smirking at him.

“You do realize it’s just grass smothered in dressing, right?” West asked, crossing his arms against the kitchen island.

“You’ll see,” I replied as I began taking the ingredients out of the fridge.

“I’m not a bunny,” he said as he came around the island and took the cutting board out of the cabinet. He already knew where everything was. “But I’ll be a man and help you put together the salad–which by the way is hardly cooking.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re testing your luck, boy.”

“
Boy
?” West repeated, raising his eyebrows. “Hardly.”

Our eyes locked and the insinuation in his tone made my pulse rush until my whole body was unbearably hot– kind of like him. I looked down at the chicken– slimy and cold. That put my hormones back in check.

“So,” West began, interrupting the awkward silence that fell over us. “How do you like your new job?”

“Honestly?” I asked as I put the chicken in the pan to cook along with some garlic. “Sometimes I feel like I’m doing it all alone–like I’m drowning. Before I never really felt like that.”

“What do you think is different?” West looked up quickly before concentrating on the cabbage I had him shredding.

“I don’t know–maybe it’s that Jesse isn’t there all the time–or that I have less reliable people around me– or that I feel like I’m starting from scratch. In my old job I was well respected and even though I’m working with the same people, I feel like I’ve hit the reset button. It was hard enough proving myself then, and now I’m doing it all over in a brand new job with a lot more responsibility.”

West stopped what he was doing and put the cabbage into the bowl I placed next to him. “Maybe you just need to ask for help?”

“I would if I could trust the people I’m working with–but when I ask for things to get done, they don’t.”

“I know this is going to sound unrelated– but when I was having trouble getting people to accept accountability at the shop I found ways to put processes in place that would physically hold them accountable. Some people don’t have that natural drive to do things, and you have to give them a process that holds them to it. How you’d do that, I don’t know, but it’s just a thought,” West said as he came up next to me and took the spatula to stir the chicken.

I leaned back against the counter and looked up at him. “I think you’re right, and I just might have an idea.”

“I’m not just some dumb tattoo artist,” West replied, winking at me and I leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.

I didn’t care if I was crossing a line. I didn’t want there to be lines. I wanted us just to be us–and if he were Bobby, I would’ve done the same thing.

“You’ll never just be some dumb tattoo artist to me,” I said before falling back onto the balls of my bare feet and going to the refrigerator to get the ingredients for the dressing. “Have people said that–that you’re just a dumb tattoo artist?”

West glanced over at me from the corner of his eyes, his neck fading from red to pink. “I said my parents are open-minded, but not all of my family is.”

“That sucks, but you love what you do right?” He nodded. “Then that’s what matters.”

“Do you still love what you do?”

I stopped whisking the soy sauce, oil, and honey for a moment and looked up. I swallowed as my stomach tightened and my shoulders lifted. “I don’t know…but I think someday I will.”

“Speaking of love, from the smell of that dressing and this chicken…you might be right,” West said as he pulled the chicken off the stove and added it to the salad. I came over and poured some of the dressing over it, tossing it and then taking a piece of chicken out and holding it up to his lips. His eyes locked on mine as he took it, his lips gliding over my fingers in a way that made me swallow. “I guess Jesse isn’t the only one who’s always right.”

Think of something else, River. Something else. Not those lips. Not that laugh. Not the warmth spreading through your entire body. Not his body.

“Are you volunteering at the shelter this weekend?” I asked, and the words came out so fast I wondered if he could understand them.

He covered the smile on his lips by scratching his cheek. “Why, you interested in joining me? It’s bath day for all the dogs.”

“Does that mean you’ll be shirtless?” Again, the words came out without my mind catching up.

West winked as he grabbed the plate I served him. “That’s really the only way to give ten dogs a bath.”

“Should I wear a bathing suit?” I asked as I followed him out to the deck. “The only one I have is the one I got my tattoo in.”

West’s fork stopped halfway to his lips. “That works just fine.”

It was my turn to wink, but I looked down at my salad before I could see his reaction. The slight rumble in his chest let me know he liked the idea as much as I did.

I rubbed my temples as I continued to review my staff’s creatives on the computer screen. I put West’s idea into place on Monday, and the first due date was today, which apparently meant everyone completed everything exactly a half an hour before it was time for them to leave. I opened the notation button, irritated that I still couldn’t get it through Joyce’s head that you didn’t begin a sentence with a coordinating conjunction. It was meant to
coordinate
. It was going to be a long night. I heaved a sigh as I plugged my headphones into my cell phone and opened my favorite streaming music station. The music relaxed me, and I fell into a rhythm, rejecting more than I approved. It wasn’t a swimming start, but at least I had a tracking mechanism for workflow. A knock at my door made me jump, and Charlie stuck her head in, chewing on the inside of her lip.

“Bad time?” she asked as she stepped inside.

I shook my head, pulling the earphones out and nodding for her to take a seat. “Just listening to some music and going through the creatives.” I looked down at the time. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready to go home?”

Her shoulders lifted. “I wanted to ask you something about the new system for the creatives. Are we allowed to ask for extensions?”

I raised an eyebrow. “I try to set reasonable time frames.”

“I know, and I appreciate it–it’s just sometimes other things get in the way.”

“Like the photographer missing the shoot?” I asked, cocking my head at her, and she went bright red. “You’re not throwing anyone under the bus. I’m aware of the situation and taking care of it.”

Charlie’s shoulders slumped as she relaxed in the seat. “Thanks.”

“If you’re ever having issues with a vendor, please reach out to me. It’s my job to straighten them out,” I replied with what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

She smiled back, leaning forward to look at my cell phone. “So what you listening to? Let me guess, country?”

I blinked at her a few times before unplugging the headphones so she could hear.  The sound of the announcer’s voice filled the air.

“Welcome to Pandemonium Radio’s Friday Night Freak Out where
we
get your favorite new bands on air, and
you
freak out– this week we have the up and coming band
Fade Burn
from the capital of metal music – Boston MA.”

“Nice!” Charlie said. “I love Pandemonium and Fade Burn is incredible.”

The room spun around me as I stared at the cell phone’s screen and the announcer continued. “So we have the band here Adam, Mark, Joe, and Tony. It’s great to have you!” The guys answered in unison, but I could still pick out Adam’s voice. It was deeper than usual due to the situation. His voice always got deeper when he wasn’t talking to someone he knew well. “We’re going to hear a song called Faded Perfection off of their
On the Edge
EP. So who wrote the song? Alright, all of the guys are pointing at Adam. So is this about a girlfriend–tell us more?”

Adam wasn’t the one who answered. Instead, it was Mark. “Not his current girlfriend.”

“So you’re taken?” the announcer asked, and I could imagine Adam rubbing the back of his neck.

“Something like that,” he replied, and I felt my whole body go numb.

He has a girlfriend.

“Sorry ladies,” the announcer began, and I finally came to my senses and hit the pause button.

“It’s a shame,” Charlie said with a shrug as she stood. “Adam’s hot. I’d totally be his groupie.” She stopped mid-stride, staring out the glass wall and before I could respond she continued; “Speaking of hot.”

My eyes snapped up to see West making his way down the hallway. The numbness in my body was replaced with a racing heat.

“Is he yours?” Charlie asked as his gaze locked on mine, and he smiled.

Something like that.
The irony of the thought wasn’t lost on me.

“Just a friend,” I replied as I stood and came around my desk.

Charlie blinked at me. “He’s not staring at you like you’re just a friend.” She pointed to my chin. “And you have some drool.”

“Ditto,” I hissed as West rounded the corner.

Charlie winked at me. “Have a good weekend,” she said, and as she walked by West, she continued; “which I’m sure you will.”

I put my head in my hands as I leaned back against my desk.

“You alright?” West asked as he stepped into my office, putting his hands on my bare shoulders.

“I’m going to have to have a conversation about inappropriate conversations with my employees on Monday,” I replied as I looked up at him. “But you’re here so it can’t be all that bad. Speaking of which, why are you here?”

He stepped back, putting his hands in his pockets, so his arm muscles bulged beneath his black v-neck t-shirt as he leaned back on his heels. “I saw your car was still here, and I figured you could go for some friend time without puppies.”

“That sounds good,” I replied as I went to my desk and started packing up. When my hand reached for the phone on my desk, I paused, swallowing hard.

“It does?” West asked, and I looked up at him. “Because you look like it doesn’t. Did I cross a line? I’m sorry…”

“No, it doesn’t have to do with you,” I replied, shoving my phone in my purse. “Just something I wasn’t expecting happened.”

“Something bad?” West asked as we fell into step next to one another.

I ran my hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”

West’s eyebrows went into his forehead. “Things are usually either bad or good.”

“Or they’re bad for one person and good for another,” I replied as West held the door for me. Our eyes locked and he ran his teeth over his lower lip, letting it out slowly.

“That’s a bit vague,” he replied.

“My ex has a girlfriend,” I said, and I watched as his jaw clenched. He was quiet as we walked to his car. I turned to look at him, and his eyes avoided me.  I cocked my head and managed to put a smile on my face. “Probably bad news for her.”

West’s eyes rose from the ground to my face. “Are you sure that’s what you were thinking?”

“I just wasn’t expecting to find out the way I did– that’s all.”

As my eyes locked on West’s, I wondered if Adam having ‘something’ was a bad thing, especially if that ‘something’ made him as happy as I was right now. Butterflies rioted in my belly as West’s eyes lightened, lips tipping up just enough to show some of those amazing dimples.

West nodded before asking, “So did you date a long time?”

“About a year, but we knew each other for a lot longer than that. We grew up together,” I said as I leaned back against his car.

His eyes raced over mine. “Is that what you were running from? Did you get cold feet?”

“No…things went wrong fast, and it’s kind of hard to go back once you’ve come so far.” West’s hand went to the back of his neck, and his eyes fell to his feet. I stepped forward, putting my hand on his bicep and pushing his arm down so I could intertwine our fingers. His gaze met mine as I smiled at him. “Besides an amazing man once told me you have to be strong for yourself and reminded me I needed to find myself on my own.”

“Amazing man?” West asked.

I could’ve said amazing friend, but I didn’t. I nodded.

“Sounds like he’s a real catch,” he replied, winking down at me.

I wrinkled my nose. “My employee seems to think so.”

West tipped his head back, his chest rumbling with laughter before he let his chin drop to it and his head lowered, so his lips were only inches from my own. “Do you agree?”

Yes.
I thought as his breath washed over my lips, sending tingles them to every inch of my body. It was already hot enough outside as it was and West being so close was making me sweat in a way that I didn’t think was all that bad.

I managed to settle my attraction to him enough to pull away and open the passenger door to his tiny car. As I slid inside, I replied, “You’re pretty good with animals and tattoos.”

“And my hands.” He added when he got in the driver’s side. My eyes widened, and West shrugged as he put his arm over the back of the seat so he could see as he backed out. His fingertips grazed my shoulder as he looked over his shoulder, smirking. “I meant for tattoos. You have a dirty mind.”

“Influenced heavily by you,” I shot back, and my face immediately burned.

If that didn’t say I thought he was hot, I wasn’t sure what did.

“I can’t help it if you liked seeing me shirtless and wet,” he replied, and his teeth ran over his lower lip in a way that made the tingling start all over again from a place a bit lower down. Even if he hadn’t done that I was pretty sure every part of me would be on fire just because of the thought and the way
he
looked at me wasn’t helping matters.

“I think you enjoyed yourself too,” I replied, narrowing my eyes at him even though I knew my face had to be red.

He reached over and squeezed my knee, and his touch sent a pleasant tingle up my thigh. “Why wouldn’t I? I am a guy.”

I laughed and how shitty I felt before drifted away like it always did when I was around West. I didn’t feel like I was running. I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I didn’t feel not good enough.

I just felt like me– a me I actually liked.