Girl Alone: Joss came home from school to discover her father’s suicide. Angry and hurting, she’s out of control. (5 page)

Paula nodded. ‘That makes sense. I think I might be a child psychologist when I leave school and help children who’ve suffered. It’s interesting the way the mind works.’

‘It is,’ I agreed. ‘And a child psychologist is a very good career,’ I added, although I knew, of course, that Paula was young and could easily change her mind before she decided on a career.

‘Will Joss see a psychologist?’ Paula now asked.

‘Hopefully, or a counsellor, when she feels ready.’

‘I think it could help her, don’t you?’

‘I do,’ I said.

‘I don’t like it when she’s so angry.’

‘I know, love, it’s frightening to watch, but you know I’ll always protect you.’

She hugged me hard.

‘Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?’

‘Not really. I just wanted to make sure you were all right, and tell you I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ I said. ‘I’m fine, so don’t you worry about me. And, Paula, it’s nice that you let Joss into your room whenever she wants, but you know you don’t have to. If you want time alone, you can just tell her politely that you’ll see her later.’ I wondered if perhaps Paula was intimidated by Joss’s angry outbursts and felt she had to do whatever she asked.

‘I usually let her in because I feel sorry for her, and she’s OK to be with sometimes.’

‘That’s fine. But remember you don’t have to. It’s your room.’

We hugged and then I kissed her goodnight and came out. Thankfully, Paula and Lucy could talk about their worries. It was all quiet in Joss’s room, but I wanted to make sure she was OK too, so I went round and, giving a small knock, quietly opened her bedroom door. She always slept with the light on low, so I could easily see from the door that she was in bed and fast asleep. I closed the door again. There was no sound coming from Adrian’s room either, so I lightly knocked on his door and then slowly opened it. His room was in darkness, so I knew he was in bed asleep.

‘Night, love,’ I whispered.

‘Night, Mum,’ came his muffled, sleepy reply.

I closed his door and went downstairs. Thankfully, Adrian had taken the last of his GCSE examinations that day, so I no longer had the added worry that Joss’s rages might be disturbing his studies. Downstairs I settled Toscha in her bed for the night and then locked up. By the time I climbed into bed it was nearly midnight and I was exhausted. Despite my concerns about Joss and the impact her behaviour was having on the rest of the family, I soon fell asleep. Joss must have been exhausted too, for she slept through without a nightmare and I had to wake her in the morning.

‘A new day, a fresh start’ is my motto, but there was an atmosphere at breakfast between the girls. No one was usually very talkative at breakfast anyway, but this morning there was a frosty silence, broken only by the sound of cutlery on china. When Joss stood to take her empty cereal bowl into the kitchen she caught the table and it jolted against Lucy, who was sitting opposite. Possibly it was an accident, although Lucy clearly didn’t think so.

‘It’s not clever,’ she hissed at Joss.

‘Touchy!’ Joss retaliated with a sneer.

I motioned for Lucy not to say anything further, and Joss put her bowl in the sink and then went upstairs to get ready.

‘Sorry,’ Lucy said after she’d left the room.

I nodded and let it go. Joss had provoked Lucy – intentionally or by accident – and Lucy had retaliated instead of ignoring it. She’d apologized, so that was the end of the matter.

When Joss was ready I saw her off at the door, reminding her to come straight home, as we had to be at her parents’ house at five o’clock.

‘Mum’s house,’ she corrected. ‘It’s not
his
.’

‘OK. See you later,’ I said.

Adrian, Lucy and Paula left soon after. Although Adrian had taken his exams, he was still expected to attend school until the end of the summer term, in six weeks’ time. Jill telephoned mid-morning and, having asked how we all were, she said she’d raised concerns about the behaviour contract with Amelia. She’d pointed out that it was too lax to be of any use, but Amelia had said she felt that if the rules were any stricter Joss would rebel against it and not cooperate at all.

‘She’s barely cooperating now,’ I said. ‘I hope Amelia appreciates that while Joss is out of the house I cannot be held responsible for her safety or what trouble she might get into.’

‘I made that clear,’ Jill said. ‘Sadly, Amelia thinks a secure unit might be the only option for Joss in the end. You can only do your best.’

Because there were so few opportunities to praise Joss, I tended to go over the top when one arose. So on Wednesday afternoon, when she came home straight from school as I’d asked, I was very effusive in my praise and told her she’d earned back one pound of her pocket money. This led to Lucy taking me to one side and remarking a little sarcastically, ‘What’s the occasion? Have I missed something here? I thought I came home on time every day.’

‘I know you do, love,’ I said. ‘I’d assumed you knew how grateful I was that I don’t have to worry about you, or Adrian and Paula, as I’m having to do with Joss. It’s very stressful.’

Lucy looked suitably embarrassed and went quietly into the garden to join Paula, who was sitting on the bench in the shade of the tree. Adrian had stayed behind at school with some of his friends to use the gym. I’d made quiche for our evening meal, which we could heat up quickly later when I returned from taking Joss to collect her sound system from home. I told the girls that if they and Adrian were hungry they could eat before I got back, and do some new potatoes and peas to go with the quiche.

Once Joss had changed out of her school uniform, I said goodbye to the girls, and Joss and I got into the car. She was wearing a very short skirt and a tiny little T-shirt that didn’t cover her middle. While this was just about acceptable for a hot afternoon and riding in the car, it wouldn’t have been acceptable for going out in the evening with her friends and using public transport. The way Joss dressed was something else I needed to advise her on one day, but not yet. There were other, more pressing matters to address first; for example, her drinking and drug-taking.

Joss hadn’t said hello or goodbye to Lucy and Paula, and as I drove she kept her earphones in so she didn’t have to talk or listen to me. She didn’t remove them until I pulled onto the estate where she lived – as I slowed the car, uncertain of where her house was, she finally took them out and gave me directions. The small, well-maintained estate had been built about fifteen years before, and was a mixture of social and private housing. Joss’s house was semi-detached in a street of similar houses, each with an integral garage and a neat, open-plan front garden.

‘Perfect timing,’ I said as I parked by the kerb and cut the engine. ‘It’s exactly five o’clock.’

‘Sod it, I’ve forgotten my front-door key,’ Joss said. ‘I’ve left it in my school bag.’

‘Your mother will be in, won’t she?’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ Joss said.

We got out and I followed her up the short path to the front door. ‘Will your stepfather be in too?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she said, pressing the bell. ‘He doesn’t finish work until six.’

Linda opened the door and Joss said a frosty ‘Hi’.

‘Come on in, love,’ Linda said, smiling and welcoming her. ‘Hello, Cathy.’

As we entered, a young boy ran down the hall, yelling ‘Joss!’ at the top of his voice.

‘Kevin!’ Joss cried. ‘How’s my little brother?’ She spread her arms wide and he ran into them, laughing. ‘Good to see you, mate,’ she said, and hugged him hard.

Joss’s sulky ill humour, which had dominated the last couple of days, immediately lifted. Now I saw a loving older sister, as pleased to see her little brother as he was to see her. Her tenderness gave me a glimpse of another, much warmer side to Joss that she usually kept well hidden under a tough exterior.

‘Come through to the living room, Cathy,’ Linda said. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘Could I have a glass of water, please?’

‘Sure.’

She showed me into a tidy and tastefully furnished living room at the rear of the house that overlooked a garden with recently mown grass and borders of shrubs and flowers. I sat in one of the armchairs as Joss and Kevin appeared in the garden from the back door, laughing and throwing a ball to each other. Linda returned with two glasses of water and set them on the coffee table. ‘You’re not in a rush, are you?’ she said. ‘It’s nice if they spend some time together. I’ve already packed Joss’s sound system and some other things she might need.’

‘Thanks. I can stay for a while. It’s lovely to see them playing together. I expect Kevin misses Joss a lot.’

‘He does,’ Linda said. ‘For all Joss’s bad ways, she’s always been a good sister to Kevin.’ I nodded. ‘We had to wait a while for Kevin,’ Linda said. ‘There’s an age gap of five years, but right from the start Joss adored him. She liked to help me feed and change him when he was a baby, and she’s always looked out for him and protected him. Even now, big as she is, she’s still happy to have a rough and tumble with him.’

The patio doors were slightly open and through the gap the sound of Joss and Kevin laughing drifted in. I smiled and took a sip of my water.

‘How has Joss been?’ Linda asked, concerned.

‘About the same,’ I said. ‘She has been late back the last two evenings, so I’ve stopped half her pocket money, as was agreed at the meeting. Joss wasn’t happy, but she can earn it back.’

‘I didn’t think much of that behaviour contract,’ Linda said. ‘Neither did Eric when I told him. He wanted to put in a formal complaint. He’s never liked that social worker.’

I wasn’t going to be drawn into a discussion about Amelia; clearly she’d thought she was doing what was right, so I steered the conversation in a different direction and now asked Linda something that had been on my mind for a while.

‘Joss has a lot of nightmares. Did she have them here?’

‘Yes, and at her other carers’.’

‘When did they start?’

‘A few days after her dad died, but they got a lot worse about a year ago. I don’t know why. Eric says it’s the drink and drugs affecting her brain.’

‘They certainly won’t help,’ I said. ‘But I suppose Joss still carries the memory of her father’s death with her. It must have been very traumatic for you all.’

‘Yes, it was. Although it was over four years ago now, if I think about it I can still see it as clearly as though it were yesterday – and I had bereavement counselling for two years. Joss would never talk to anyone about what happened. She began bed-wetting and having nightmares a few days after her father died. The bed-wetting stopped as she got older, but the nightmares continued on and off. Thankfully Kevin didn’t witness the horror as Joss did. You don’t forget it.’

She took a deep breath and swallowed hard before continuing.

‘I’d collected Joss and Kevin from school that afternoon. Kevin had just started nursery. Steven, their father, had taken the day off work sick. He said he had a stomach ache, that was all, and then he’d spent most of the afternoon tinkering in the garage. The car wouldn’t always start and he thought he knew what was wrong with it. He seemed fine, normal, when I left. There was nothing to say he was about to take his life. I called goodbye as I left the house, and when he didn’t reply I assumed he couldn’t hear me because he had the radio on. He usually had the radio on when he was working in the garage. I now know he could have already been dead.’ Linda paused and took another breath. My heart went out to her. ‘The coroner put the time of his death at around three o’clock, which was the time I left the house. If Steven wasn’t already dead then he was about to kill himself. Of course, I’ve tormented myself with what if, instead of calling goodbye, I’d gone into the garage to say goodbye – could I have saved him? I’ll never know.

‘When I returned from school with the children,’ Linda continued, ‘Joss – always a daddy’s girl – wanted to be with him in the garage. She liked to be with him, helping him, passing him a spanner or a rag to wipe his hands on when they were oily. She was by my side as I opened the door, that door in the hall.’ Linda nodded in the direction of the hall. ‘It goes straight into the garage. Joss ran in slightly ahead of me and screamed. He’d tied a rope to a rafter in the roof of the garage and hanged himself by stepping off the car roof. I grabbed Joss and pushed her out of the garage, but it was too late. She’d seen what I had. I knew straight away he was dead.

‘I closed the door and phoned for an ambulance. They played the call in the coroner’s court and you can hear Joss screaming in the background. It’s blood curdling. The paramedics and police arrived, and my parents came over and looked after Joss and Kevin while I gave a statement to the police. Mum and Dad were as devastated as we were – they loved Steven like a son. No one had expected it, absolutely no one. The police notified Steven’s parents as I couldn’t make that call. After they’d got over the initial shock, they blamed me for not noticing Steven was depressed. But he wasn’t. Perhaps I should have seen something, but try as I might I don’t know what it could have been. His parents don’t see us any more.’ Linda stopped.

‘I’m so very sorry,’ I said.

‘Thank you, Cathy. You never forget something like that, but I told myself that Joss was young and in time she would get over it. I was going to move us away, but this house was our home and it had seen happy times too. The counselling helped me. I never dreamed I’d marry again, but then eighteen months ago I met Eric and he proposed five months later. Joss was cold towards him from the start, but I assumed it was just a matter of time. Eric has been very understanding, but it hasn’t helped. Joss has said some awful things to him – that she wishes he’d hang himself.’ I grimaced. ‘I know, awful, isn’t it? Kevin has been far more accepting, but then, of course, he’s younger and didn’t see what Joss and I saw. To be honest, Cathy, if I could have foreseen how this would turn out, I wouldn’t have remarried. I thought we’d all be happy, but we’re not.’ Linda’s eyes filled and she reached for a tissue. I felt so sorry for her, but it was difficult to know what to say. Sometimes a tragedy is so great that words are completely inadequate.

We were both quiet for some moments. My gaze went to the garden where Joss and Kevin were now playing badminton, laughing and shouting as they hit or missed the shuttlecock. In their play I saw the happy, carefree family that had lived here before tragedy struck.

‘Joss is only thirteen,’ I said. ‘Perhaps in time, and with her living away from home, she might start to see things differently.’

‘That’s what I thought when she first went to stay with my sister. I thought, give her time and she’ll mend her ways and come back. But it hasn’t happened. As you know, her behaviour was so bad at my sister’s that we had to ask the social services for help. Then the first two carers weren’t able to cope, and now I’m so worried they’ll put her in a secure unit before long. Imagine your thirteen-year-old daughter in prison … although they don’t call it that.’ Linda’s brow furrowed.

‘I’m doing all I can to try to stop that from happening,’ I said.

‘I know you are. And I am grateful. It just gets to me sometimes.’

‘Is Eric supportive?’ I asked.

‘Yes. Very. He couldn’t do more for us.’

We both looked down the garden as Joss screamed, having narrowly missed a shot. ‘Beat you!’ Kevin shouted, also laughing.

Then another noise came from the hall – a key going into the lock of the front door. Linda visibly tensed. ‘It must be Eric home early,’ she said anxiously. Standing, she left the room.

I heard the front door open and Linda say, ‘Hi, love, you’re home early.’

‘I left work early so I could meet Cathy and see Joss,’ Eric said.

‘Cathy is in the living room and the kids are in the garden,’ Linda told him.

A moment later Eric strode into the living room and I stood to shake his hand. ‘Eric, Joss’s stepfather,’ he said. ‘Lovely to meet you at last.’

‘And you,’ I said.

Of average height and build, I guessed he was at least ten years older than Linda – in his mid-fifties. He was dressed in grey trousers with a light-grey open-neck shirt and was clearly very hot – beads of perspiration glistened on his forehead.

‘Would you like a cold drink, love?’ Linda asked him.

‘I’ll get it. You stay here and talk to Cathy. I’ll join you when I’ve said hello to the kids.’

Linda still looked very tense and waited until Eric had left the room before she spoke again, and then it was in a lowered tone. ‘In some ways I think it would be better if he stopped trying to be friends with Joss and just left her alone. He keeps trying in the hope that one day he’ll get through to her, but it’s having the opposite effect.’

I nodded. ‘It must be very difficult.’

‘It is,’ she said.

A few moments later Eric appeared in the garden and we heard him call ‘Hello’ to Joss and Kevin. Joss let the shuttlecock fall to the ground and threw her racket after it. I could see the anger on her face. She stormed up the garden, past Kevin and Eric and into the house. She came into the living room looking like thunder.

‘What the fuck is he doing here?’ she demanded.

‘Joss, don’t, please,’ Linda said. Standing, she went over to her daughter. ‘He just wanted to see you and meet Cathy. He was trying to do the right thing.’

‘Right thing my arse! I’m going to my room,’ Joss said. She went out of the living room as Kevin and Eric could be heard coming in from the garden. ‘Kev!’ she called. ‘Come with me to my room. But make sure that creep doesn’t come or I’ll kick him where it hurts.’

Linda looked so embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry, Cathy.’

‘Don’t worry. I’ve heard worse. I’ll speak to Joss later about her language and behaviour.’

‘Thank you. I’m afraid we just let her get away with it now, as nothing we say makes any difference.’

Eric came into the living room with a glass of water, mopping his brow with a piece of kitchen towel. He sat on the sofa beside Linda and patted her arm. ‘Try not to worry, pet,’ he said.

Linda shrugged despondently. Easier said than done, I thought.

‘Linda tells me you’ve been fostering a long time,’ Eric said, making conversation.

‘Yes, over fifteen years.’ I smiled.

‘That’s marvellous. It’s something I’d like to do, or adopt. I understand there’s a shortage of foster carers.’

‘Yes, there is,’ I said.

‘Linda and I have talked about it, haven’t we, pet?’ Eric said, turning towards her.

‘I think we need to sort out Joss’s problems first,’ Linda sensibly said. ‘I’ll go up and see her.’