Heart's Desire (13 page)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

T
HE
MORNING
AFTER
Maddie’s heady evening in Chicago, she opened the café, her head still in a dizzying fog as she remembered Alex’s kisses. She hadn’t slept well at all, which added to the hazy feeling. Or perhaps it was the fact that in a matter of weeks, her life had been turned upside down and she hadn’t a clue how to right it.

Alex was clearly attracted to her. A fact that was firmly established last night. Meanwhile, Nate had set fire to the embers of their long-ago love. Except Nate was leaving. Was he implying that he couldn’t commit to anything? Was he trying to tell her not count on him? That he was just passing through her life?

At the precise moment Maddie thought she was about to realize her dreams, she was more confused than she’d ever been.

Her stomach was a jumble of nervous knots and trying to concentrate on her business and daily routines had become a real chore.

Maddie felt an allegiance to Nate, but that wasn’t love. That was obligation to their shared past. On the other hand, she couldn’t get him out of her mind day or night. She was concerned that she hadn’t told him about her business deal and the franchise. She hadn’t invited him to her party. What kind of subliminal message was her psyche trying to tell her about that?

She certainly wanted him to share in her joy over her accomplishment, and she didn’t want him to hear a misconstrued version through the town gossip mill.

Maddie called Nate on his cell phone and left a voice mail, assuming he was in surgery. She explained that she shut the café down at five, and if he was free, she wanted to meet with him.

The day at the café was busy and bustling with lots of customers, and Chloe, as always, was a great help up front.

* * *

M
ADDIE
HAD
JUST
put together the batter for her new pineapple cupcakes, when her cell phone rang in her pocket. She looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Nate.

She was amazed that her heart skipped a beat, possibly a beat and a half, just seeing his name. The phone rang a second time. She was so dazed, she’d forgotten to answer the call.

“Hello, Nate?”

“Hi, Maddie. I just finished up for the day and heard your message. I’d love to see you. When are you free?”

“I just have to put this batter away, is all.”

“So, how about I pick you up in fifteen minutes? I know just where we should go.”

“You do?”

“Uh-huh,” he said. “But it’s a surprise.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Can I bring anything?”

“A jacket,” he said, and hung up.

Maddie took the batter out from under the stainless-steel beater, put plastic wrap over the top and placed the bowl in her commercial refrigerator.

She rushed into her office, checked her makeup and frowned. Going into the employee bathroom, she applied fresh mascara, a bit of blush and some lipstick. She combed her hair and spritzed herself with Chanel No. 5.

She took off her apron and checked her sweater and jeans for food stains. Thankfully, there were none. She grabbed a pink windbreaker from the hook on the back of her office door.

Maddie had just turned out the café lights when she saw Nate’s Hummer drive up. He hopped out of the truck and came around to open the door for her. He was wearing jeans, a sweatshirt and running shoes. “My lady,” he said with a courtly bow.

“Thanks,” she said as she climbed in.

Nate shut the door and jogged around to the driver’s side. “You’re beautiful,” he said, grabbing his seat belt. He studied her with that straight, hard expression he often had when he was making judgments. She remembered that look. He wasn’t just complimenting her to be courteous or nice. He meant it.

And that meant a lot to her.

“You look...tired,” she replied and instinctively put her hand on his cheek. It was amazing, she thought, how easily she fell back to the emotional place they’d been in eleven years ago. She cared about how he felt, both physically and mentally. It felt so natural to pick up where they’d left off. “Are you okay?”

“Just getting used to my new routine at the hospital.” He put his own hand over hers and caressed it. “I guess I haven’t had much sleep lately.”

“I have the same problem,” she commiserated. “Tonight will be no exception.”

The night before had been filled with remembering Alex and his kisses. When Maddie was with Nate, she felt guilty thinking about another man. It was almost like being unfaithful. But she wasn’t, was she?

Nate looked deeply into Maddie’s eyes, not understanding her implication. “Tonight?”

“I have to bake about three hundred cupcakes,” she said truthfully.
Then after that I’ll probably get a text from Alex. Possibly even one from you.

“Is that all?”

“Give or take,” she said, realizing she still had her hand on his cheek. She lowered both their hands together but did not retract hers yet. She liked the way her hand felt in his. She liked it a lot. And that was another surprise to her. She was so unsure of the reactions Nate elicited in her it felt as if her mind had gone away on vacation.

Nate was the guy of her past. Not her present. And who could ever guess about the future? All she wanted to do was tell him the truth about what was happening in her life. Then he could move on and so could she. It was simple.

But if it was so simple, how come she was tied up in knots worrying about his every grimace and gesture? Why should she worry about Nate Barzonni one more day in her life?
I’ve spent too many days thinking about him; being terrified that he was in danger; too many sleepless nights and empty days without him when I wanted him.

“So, where are we going?” she asked, finally able to push aside the barrage of thoughts about Nate.

“Picnic.” He turned on the engine. “I’ve reserved the perfect spot for us.”

“Then drive on, sir,” she joked.

Cove Beach was covered in so many white pear blossoms it looked as if it had snowed on the sands. The sun was deep in the west, but not yet setting. The trees around the lake were working diligently to push forth their spring leaves. That light green tinge to the winter-bark limbs gave an ethereal, iridescent glow to the landscape. A soft breeze fluttered through blooming forsythia and rustled the white and purple lilacs, filtering the air with the floral essence only nature could create.

Nate pulled the Hummer into the gravel driveway and then up to a parking place that was designated by creosote-covered railroad ties. Across from them, up a slight incline, was a picnic area with tables, grills and roofed areas with open sides and concrete flooring, to accommodate large reunions or gatherings.

“That’s our table right over there.” Nate pointed to the lone picnic table closest to the beach. It was only twenty feet to the water. He reached into the backseat and pulled out a bag, a blanket and two bottles of soda. He handed the soda to Maddie. “Our picnic food. Such as it is,” he said gleefully. “Come on.”

Maddie hopped out of the Hummer and followed Nate to the table. He put their food down and sat facing the water, then patted the spot next him.

Maddie joined him.

“Closer,” he ordered, holding up the blanket. “I want to wrap this around us. When the sun goes down, it’ll get cold.”

“You’re right,” she said and inched closer until they were hip to hip.

Nate wrapped his blanket around their shoulders and handed Maddie an edge to hold. “There. That’s better, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” she said, looking first at the tranquil crystal lake and then back at Nate.

He had a thick five-o’clock shadow and his eyes were slightly droopy. His skin was pale, though she remembered how berry brown he could get in the summers working on the farm.

His blue eyes scanned the lake, drinking in all its beauty. It was almost as if she could see the tension in him easing as he stared across the water.

“Tough day?”

“Just the usual,” he said.

“Yeah? I don’t buy that. I’m watching you. You’re wound up tighter than a drum. What’s up?”

“I’m learning, is all. A new job, new coworkers and a new hospital to navigate.... It takes time to fit in. It’s normal adjustment for anyone. I just want to do a good job for them.”

“I’m sure you’ll be great for them,” she said supportively. “I’m curious about your work on the reservation. It must have impacted you enormously to want to go back. What was it like?”

He looked out across the water.

“We had a clinic, but everything was government-run, government-controlled. I did fairly ordinary heart procedures—bypasses, stuff like that.”

“Open-heart surgery is ordinary to you?” Maddie shook her head. “Whoa.”

“Well, I mean, it’s within my skill set. But now I’m working with incredible equipment, and it’s very exciting. It’s what I came here for. Last week, I started cold beam laser operations. You see, Maddie, I’d never get this kind of responsibility in a large hospital. These operations would go to surgeons who are ten, twenty years my senior. Here, they don’t have enough doctors. And certainly not enough with even my limited experience, which I got during my residency.”

“So why the Indian reservation? Why not come here first?”

“I wanted to pay back my loans as quickly as possible. The government has a program that not only pays a salary, but also gives grants to pay off student loan debt in exchange for working in underprivileged areas. I still have almost half yet to pay, but that time on the reservation really helped me financially. Once I go back to Arizona, I’ll get the rest paid off. I’m not worried.”

“Do you miss it? The reservation, I mean.”

“I do. There was so much I could do there because most heart surgeons don’t dedicate their lives to such low income areas. Most of the cutting edge technology and research is based in prominent, well-endowed hospitals in big cities. And many surgeons want the big bucks and fancy lifestyle. Frankly, I was like that until I went to Arizona. With what I’m learning here, I could go anywhere in the country. I could travel from reservation to reservation as the need dictated.”

Maddie swallowed hard. “You mean, you wouldn’t settle in just one place?”

“No. I’ve looked into it extensively. I’d be on the government payroll, as a general rule. It would be really exciting. Helping all those people who couldn’t afford ablations and other types of heart surgery.”

There was a fire in Nate’s eyes as he spoke.

“Exciting,” Maddie repeated in a low whisper. She’d thought her own dream of moving to Chicago was expansive thinking, but what Nate envisioned for himself sounded like wanderlust. A real adventure.

She marveled at him and felt deep admiration for anyone whose life was driven by humanitarianism. She was in awe. “Nate, I know you’ll do well here. I think you could handle just about anything anyone threw your way.”

He turned his face to hers. “You believe that? That I’m Mr. Capable?”

“Yeah. I do. I always did.”

“Back then doesn’t count.”

“Sure it does.”

“Then I want to say again that I’m so very, very sorry for what I did to you. I wasn’t Mr. Capable then. I was a coward. I should have talked to you.”

“Maybe,” she mused. “Maybe not.”

“What?” His expression was puzzled.

“I’ve thought about this a lot. If you hadn’t left, I would have kept you here. I would have enticed you, used every trick in the book to keep you as my own. You wouldn’t have gone to the navy or into medicine. You would have had to marry me sooner or later. Your mother would have hated me. You would probably be working on the farm for your father. Eventually, you would have hated me and I would have tossed you out. We would have bickered like cats and dogs.”

“You think all that?”

“I do.”

“So, I did the right thing. But I still should have told you where I was.”

“Yes, Nate. You should have. I won’t deny how mad I was. Especially back then...” Maddie felt a catch in her throat as long-ago sorrows rose up like dark ghosts. Tears sprang to her eyes, unwanted and unexpected. She scrubbed them away with the balls of her palms. She turned to him, her eyes swimming in a sea of stinging memories. “You broke my heart, Nate. I swore I would never forgive you.” She tried to punch his arm, but her fist fell open like a needy child begging for food. She splayed her fingers across his heart and hung her head. Her tears fell into her lap. “You crushed me.”

“Oh, Maddie,” he moaned. “I did this to you, and I’m so sorry. So sorry.” He folded her into his arms and pulled her to his broad chest. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“I swore I wouldn’t...” she said through her sobs. Maddie felt as if she was seventeen all over again. She felt crumpled and discarded. She wasn’t good enough for a Barzonni. She was convinced Nate didn’t love her enough. Not then and not now.

The fact that she had accomplished so much and was living through the excitement of seeing her dream unfold had no power at this moment. She was without strength and she was astounded that within a few seconds her heart could betray her so completely.

Maddie snuggled inside the blanket and circled her arms around Nate’s back. He felt so strong, so warm...and sincere about his apology. His sincerity had always comforted her when they were young.

It was that honesty that she had instinctively trusted when they were young. She had felt safe with Nate.

Because she had trusted him utterly and without condition, his departure had deeply, cruelly affected her.

Nate kissed the top of her head. “I don’t deserve one minute of your time, and certainly not an ounce of the love you gave me, Maddie. You were right to hate me. What I did to you was despicable.” He rubbed her back and kissed her forehead. “You were everything to me then as well, you know. There was never any doubt in my mind you were the girl for me.”

“Really?” Maddie sniffed as she pulled out of his embrace. She wiped her nose on her sleeve. She gazed into his blazing blue eyes, which even as the daylight waned, still bore that inner light that drew her in. It was the light of promise. Of ambition and purpose.