In the Distance (21 page)

I tossed my phone aside and turned to stare out the balcony window that looked out over the city. New York was still thrumming with activity, even though it was well past midnight. The world kept going when all I wanted was for it to stop and rewind itself so I could stop last night from happening. As I watched the people below go on about their business, I silently willed my phone to ring. Another two hours passed and I was still looking out my window, but my phone hadn’t rung once.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Tyler

As soon as I pressed Send, I powered off my phone. Everything in me wanted to hurl it across the room, watch it smash into tiny jagged pieces as it hit the wall. Instead I tossed it on the coffee table in front of me, not willing to risk having another bill I could barely pay.

I looked around the apartment and realized there was very little of me in it. Sure I’d picked up some of the furniture from secondhand stores, but there wasn’t one thing in the apartment I’d bought new. Hell, even the apartment was still in Ethan’s name.

My parents were right about me. Not for the reasons they thought, but they’d been right all along. I’d never regret them finally finding out I was gay. Hiding it from everyone around me had been whittling away at my sanity and I knew I wouldn’t have lasted much longer if they hadn’t found me with Keith in my bedroom. But, I was a failure at everything I touched. Ethan and Jamie. Trevor. My family. I’d screwed up all of them because I was either too scared to trust, or too naive and trusted too much.

It had been stupid to call Trevor, a knee-jerk reaction to all the calls and texts we’d been trading this past month. What had I expected? For him to be sitting home waiting for my call? That I’d spill everything about disappointing Ethan and Jamie? That he’d apologize for breaking the trust I’d placed in him to keep the one single secret I’d shared with him?

Sadly, that’s exactly what I’d expected. Instead, he’d been out with someone else at a club. Someone Trevor could wine and dine, then have some fun on the side before he went back to his high-rise condo in New York, where he had friends who obviously knew him a lot better than I did and parents who loved him enough to meet him for lunch even though he was openly gay.

Too overwhelmed to move, I toed off my shoes and curled up on the futon. In that moment, I felt more alone than I’d ever been on the streets, and as I curled my body up tighter on the futon, I let the tears that had been threatening all day fall down my cheeks and onto the cushions below.

* * *

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and moved to my bed, briefly checking my phone before passing out again. Ten more texts from Trevor, four from Ethan and two from Jamie. As soon as I heard Trevor’s voice, I deleted the message. Jamie’s and Ethan’s were brutal enough to listen to. My chest ached as I listened to message after message from Ethan and Jamie. Ethan’s got increasingly panicked, his final only consisting of two words, “
Call us.
”

In the darkness of my bedroom, I typed out an email to my professor telling him I wouldn’t be in class. I hadn’t been absent a single time since starting in the fall. I was due a mental health day and if they didn’t like it, they could suck it. Next came a short text to both Jamie and Ethan telling them I was at home, but I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to get anyone else sick. I knew they’d see through it, but I was too tired to come up with a better excuse. I didn’t know what to say to Trevor, so I turned off my phone and set it on my bedside table.

Even though I was bone-deep tired, sleep eluded me. For over an hour, I watched the clock slowly tick off the minutes until I finally gave up around four. I thought about going back into the living room to watch TV, but the thought of getting out of my bed seemed too monumental of a task. So instead of fighting it, I let the events of yesterday play on a continuous loop. Over and over again, I saw the disgust on my parents’ faces until my brain couldn’t take it anymore and I finally fell asleep.

* * *

A quick look at the clock made me groan. 7:27. I reached up and cradled my head in my hands. My head was pounding and I hadn’t even had the luxury of drowning my stress in alcohol last night. With no work and no school on today’s agenda, I tugged my pillow back under my head in an attempt to get a few more hours of sleep.

Bang
,
bang
,
bang.

Not today. Any other day, just not today. I pulled the pillow over my head to drown out the pounding on my front door. Since I didn’t have any friends in the building and I’d never had any of my friends at school over to my apartment, the possibilities of who was at my door at seven thirty in the morning were small. It was probably shitty of me to ignore whoever it was, but I didn’t have it in me to face anyone right now. I’d let Ethan and Jamie know I was okay. Beyond that, I simply didn’t have it in me to face them.

Bang
,
bang.
“Tyler Joseph Mitchell, I know you’re in there. So get your skinny ass out of bed and open the door.”

Claire. I groaned and lay there on my bed, wanting to ignore her, but she was too much like Ethan to let it go. The banging continued, louder and louder until I knew my neighbors would have a fit if I didn’t answer the door.

As the banging got louder, I abandoned my search for a shirt and walked through my apartment. For a moment, I let my hand rest on the door handle, willing Claire to turn around and walk away. But the vibration of her constant banging snapped me out of my wishful thinking.

“I swear to God this apartment must have some kind of karma that prevents you guys from getting dressed. It used to bug the crap out of me that E could never wear a damn shirt either.”

I stared blankly at her, my sluggish brain trying and failing to keep up with what she was saying. Claire’s smirk softened as she stepped forward. She had two grocery bags in her arms. The dark circles under her eyes told me Ethan and Jamie hadn’t been the only ones worried about me last night.

“Go put some clothes on while I make us some breakfast.”

“Claire—”

“I’m too tired to argue this morning, Tyler. And from the look of it, so are you. So do us both a favor and go put on a damn shirt, maybe even run a comb through that bedhead you’ve got going on while I get an omelet started.”

She’d already turned her back on me and was digging in the bags, setting each item she’d brought on the counter. Arguing with her was like arguing with Ethan. Both were stubborn to a fault; Claire just smiled a lot more when she dug her heels in. I lingered in the bathroom longer than I needed to, but within ten minutes, I was back in the kitchen as the familiar sound of a knife on a cutting board filled the apartment.

Without turning her head, she said, “Here. Dice these onions and peppers. E might like his omelets full of bacon and cheese, but I figured neither one of us needs to clog up our arteries.”

A lump formed in my throat as I looked at the knife Claire held out to me. It was part of the set they’d given me for Christmas, making me feel like more of an ass for being such an ungrateful shit to them. They’d done nothing but support and care about me, and how did I repay them? Not trusting them with the stuff at school and then all but flipping them off when I’d ignored their calls and texts.

As if reading my mind, Claire bumped her hip against mine. “We’ll have plenty of time to talk about all that crap that’s jangling around in your head. Right now I need you to focus, because I am not dragging your ass to the ER for a sliced finger.”

Claire’s no-nonsense attitude helped drain some of the tension out of my shoulders, and I soon lost myself to the familiar rhythm of prepping the veggies for the omelet. Within no time, my kitchen was filled with the aroma of onions, jalapeños and peppers sautéing in butter while my old but trusty coffeemaker brewed an extra strong pot of coffee. Claire filled up two plates heaping with omelets and pointed to the table.

“Okay. Sit your ass down and let’s talk.”

I opened my mouth, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t form the words to tell her how bad yesterday had been. Instead, I opted for a safer conversation.

“How’re things at the café?”

Claire paused midbite and lifted one of her eyebrows. We both knew I was stalling, but she just nodded and decided to play along. “Life is good. Except when Hurricane Lily is in one of her moods. I swear, if the woman didn’t get me the best deals on booze she’d be banned from the place. Think E, if E wore high heels and lipstick.” She grimaced. “On second thought, don’t. You’ll have nightmares forever.”

I laughed despite myself.

“Now, kiddo. Tell me the real reason you actually called in sick for the first time this century.”

Even though I didn’t want to be rude, I wasn’t really that hungry. I methodically cut a bite of omelet, then pushed it around my plate.

“Tyler,” she nudged, her voice soft. “Remember when you pulled a Superman routine and carried me out of Cal’s place when it burned? We were closed the next day but you still showed up as soon as possible to help clean up, even with minor smoke inhalation. Something is wrong, and even my oblivious brother is worried about you. Please talk to me about it.”

My fork clanked onto my plate as I pushed back my chair a bit, the feet screeching on the linoleum below. “I don’t know, Claire. I appreciate you guys worrying about me but I just feel overwhelmed.”

Claire said nothing, just sipped her coffee, watching me with tired green eyes over the rim over her cup as she waited for me to talk. Sometimes I cursed the Martin stubbornness.

I blew out a long, frustrated breath and looked at the food she’d made me.

“I signed up for a program that lets us volunteer at an elementary school, helping out in the learning garden. It was fun showing kids where their food comes from and getting my hands dirty.”

When I cleared my throat, she pushed my coffee cup toward me and I wrapped my hands around its comforting warmth. “Anyway, it really made me miss my brother and sister, ya know? I haven’t seen them since my parents kicked me out, and after telling Trevor about them—” I cut her off when she gave me a pointed look, saying, “We’ll get to him. I promise. Anyway, he suggested I go visit them. I knew it was a bad idea, but God, Claire, I had to see them.”

“Oh, Tyler,” Claire reached across the table and squeezed my hand.

“It gets better. So I went to my old house. I knew once I got there I shouldn’t have gone, but I couldn’t stop myself from walking up the steps and knocking on the door. You know what they did? They called the cops on me. No joyous family reunion. No questions about how or where I’ve been. My dad just told me to get off their property and called the cops to make sure I got the message they didn’t want me anymore. Who does that, Claire? Who calls the cops on their own kid because he’s gay?”

She sipped her coffee, then set the mug down, spinning it slowly in her hands. “People have kids all the time, Tyler. It doesn’t mean they should or that they’re fit for parenthood. You have to get a driver’s license to drive and a hunting license to hunt, but any dipshit can make a baby.”

“I guess. I just never thought that would be me. It was stupid, but I always hoped they’d wondered where I was. Even if they didn’t come looking for me, I always hoped they at least worried about me. Obviously, they didn’t. But that’s not the whole story. Well, it is with parents, but last night wasn’t just about them. I, um. I mean, Trevor and me. We...”

Claire waved her hand. “Stop right there. You two hooked up, right?”

I couldn’t believe I was talking to Claire about my sex life. How fucking embarrassing.

“Okay, so you two hooked up. People hook up, Tyler. It isn’t the end of the world. But from the look on your face, I’m guessing it didn’t work out. That’s also normal and feels like the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to be. The thing you have to remember? You have to be honest about what you want.”

“That’s not the problem.”

“Is it sex stuff?” She wrinkled her nose. “No offense, but you’re better off talking to Ethan or Jamie about that kind of thing. Pretty sure I’m lacking an essential body part to give you much advice about it.”

Despite my mood, I snorted. “No. Not sex stuff. I’ve been thinking about changing from chef training to teaching.” When her look stayed encouraging, I continued. “I like cooking. But I like teaching more, I think. I’m still checking into my options, and, well, I told Trevor about it.”

I looked down at my food, pushing the bite I’d cut earlier around. “He told Jamie and they both pulled me into their office. I wasn’t planning on bailing or leaving anyone hanging. That’s why I wanted to check into it first.”

“I’m missing something here. Jamie and Trevor talk all the time. Hell, it’s one of the many things Ethan rants about. So why would you tell Trevor instead of Jamie about wanting to change your major?”

I shifted in my seat and knew if I didn’t get it all out, I’d let it sit in my gut and fester until I made myself sick. “I told Trevor because we’ve been hanging out. Well, as much as two people who don’t live remotely close to each other can hang out. But we’ve gone out a few times and lately we’ve been talking a lot. I wanted someone to talk to who was outside the situation, but still cared about me. Or at least I thought he cared. Honestly, Claire, Jamie and Ethan have already done so much for me, it felt like a slap in the face to shift directions with school. So when Trevor and I talked about it, I asked him not to tell anyone.”

“But he did.”

I still couldn’t make sense out of that, so I just nodded.

“I agree that was pretty shitty of him and I can see why you’re hurt. You told him in confidence and he blabbed to Jamie and my brother.” She paused and pointed at my plate. “You better eat before that’s completely cold.”

I took a small bite, not wanting to be rude, but my stomach was already in knots from last night and the thought of adding food of any kind to the mix only made it worse.

“Tyler, I know you’re pissed at Trevor, and I totally get that. But be honest with yourself. Would you have told them on your own? I see how much you worship Jamie and my idiot brother, it’s hard not to. It would be hard for anyone to tell them they didn’t want to follow in their footsteps. Especially after being promoted to sous-chef. Sometimes it’s harder to say no to family because you don’t want to disappoint them. Even when you’re not really disappointing them at all.”

As I stared at Claire across the tiny dining room table of her and Ethan’s old apartment, I wanted to believe her. I wanted so badly to believe I hadn’t disappointed them, but a part of me still knew I had. The other part of the equation, Trevor talking to Jamie even when I’d asked him not to, that part I just couldn’t get past. I’d trusted him and he shot that trust all to hell. I let out a small gasp when a piece to all this mess clicked into place.