In the Distance (23 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Tyler

I know you’ll probably just delete this, but I’m in town until next Sunday. That’s 8 days. Just in case you were wondering.

I’d barely finished reading the first text when a second one came through.

Forgot to mention, but I’m at the Alexis on 1st. Again. Just in case you were wondering.

I hovered my finger over the screen, pushed Delete and slipped my phone back in my back pocket.

* * *

I should have deleted it before I listened to it, but I caved and played the voice mail.

“Hey, Tyler. Again, I know you’ll probably delete this before listening to it, but I’m at Legendary Doughnuts. When I’m stressed, I eat doughnuts. Not the healthiest way to deal with stress, but I’ll punish myself in the hotel’s fitness room later. I’ll be here for at least the next hour reading the paper and trying to decide if I really need the bacon and Oreo-topped doughnut. I’m pretty sure I’m going to cave soon and order it, but I need a second opinion. They have one here that’s topped with s’more stuff. It looks like something you might like. So, I’ll be here at least another hour. Maybe longer, just in case you wanted to join me for a heart attack on a plate.”

It had been three days. Three days of Jamie walking on eggshells around me. Three days of him and Ethan ignoring the fact Trevor was in town. Three days of wondering what would happen if I returned his texts and calls. But just like I’d done with the others, I pressed the number seven on my keypad, deleting Trevor’s message and trying like hell to forget the sound of his voice.

No sooner had I exited out of that screen when a text message came through. I stared at a monstrosity of a doughnut covered with Oreos and gummy worms.

Did I forget to mention they also have these? They truly are something you have to see to believe. Still here. In case you were wondering.

For a second, I smiled, remembering all the insane pictures Trevor had sent me from New York over the past few months. But pictures and funny texts weren’t the same thing as being able to trust someone. I hovered my finger over the delete key, but instead, closed the screen. I’d keep it to show the guys at Bistro 30. I kept trying to convince myself of that as I tucked my phone in my backpack and headed in school.

* * *

“Hey, Tyler. It’s me, Trevor. Again. I leave with Jamie for Vancouver in the morning. It’s a short trip with a few book signings and an appearance on their local morning show, so I’ll be back on Friday. I have a few things to tie up with Natalie, but other than that I’m free...Please don’t do this. I’m sorry. God, for everything. I’m sorry. Just please don’t shut me out. Please...In case you’re actually listening to this instead of deleting it, I want you to know I’ve never done this. With anyone. In fact, I’ve never had to and, more importantly, never even wanted to try. But I swear, I’m trying now. I don’t want to lose tomorrow or next week or next month with you because we couldn’t get past this. I’m just asking you to meet me halfway, because I honestly don’t know what else to do to show you I don’t want this to be it for us...I’ll be back in Seattle on Friday, just in case you were wondering.”

“Tyler, did you get those potatoes ready for the au gratin?”

I jumped at the sudden voice behind me, almost dropping my phone on the kitchen floor.

“Whoa, sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Ethan’s always said I should wear a bell around my neck.”

I laughed nervously, tucking my phone into my back pocket, praying Jamie hadn’t heard Trevor’s most recent voice mail.

“What? You need a bell with your freakishly silent skill of being able to sneak up on people.”

Jamie turned to Ethan, his smile affectionate and exasperated at the same time. “You just like the thought of me in a bell, E. Admit it.”

I watched as Ethan checked his husband out. “Well, that, too. But trust me, I wouldn’t be tying the bell around your neck.”

Jamie closed his eyes and sighed. “Ethan Thomas Martin, I swear you’ll be the death of me one day.”

Ethan gave Jamie a lopsided smile. “You love me.”

Jamie threw his hand towel at Ethan. “I do, but you’ll still be the death of me.”

He gave Jamie a wink before turning back to his station. Most people thought they were as different as night and day, but it worked for them. Someone had to spend only one hour in their presence to know they were soul mates. That thought made my gut twist, as my mind strayed back to the voice mail.

“Anyway, I wanted to check on your prep for tonight, and to see if you can stay a little late tonight. Maybe even take on some overtime this week and weekend while I’m gone.”

Prep. Work. Focus. “Sure. I’m free.”

I could feel Jamie’s scrutiny when he asked, “You sure? I don’t want to interfere with any plans you’ve already made for the weekend.”

We both knew what he was asking. When I’d talked to Ethan and Jamie, I’d told them everything. I knew Claire wouldn’t tell them, but it had seemed wrong not to give them the same trust I’d given her. I could tell Ethan was pissed I’d been seeing Trevor, but thankfully, he’d remained silent throughout that portion of our talk. In the end, both men had hugged me, assuring me they’d both done stupid things in their lives, and for me to learn from everything that had happened and move on. But, that was the problem. I wasn’t sure exactly how I wanted to move on. I’d been so hurt and angry during those first few days that I’d been adamant Trevor and I were done. But now, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. My head was telling me I couldn’t trust Trevor, to turn away and never look back. But my heart felt like a piece of me had been ripped from my chest, pleading for me to give him, us, another chance. Both paths terrified me, leaving me more confused than I’d been a week ago.

Jamie’s hand on my shoulder brought me back to the present. Back to my nonexistent plans for this coming weekend.

“Nah, I’m good. School’s easy right now, so staying late on the weeknights won’t mess up anything there, and I’m free all weekend, except for working in the community garden Saturday morning. But the nights are free. I can stay late both nights if Ethan needs me.”

Jamie leaned forward and whispered, “You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Keep track of all the extra hours you put in while I’m away and I’ll make sure you get time and a half for them. Ethan tends to get a little cranky when I’m not here.”

I couldn’t have held back my snort if I’d wanted to. “Just a little.”

Jamie squeezed my shoulder before moving back. “Thanks, Tyler. I feel better leaving now.”

Neither of us acknowledged he’d be with Trevor for the next few days. I was both grateful for it, and frustrated by it. Not a day had gone by since I’d slammed the door in his face that Trevor hadn’t called or sent me a text. I still hadn’t wrapped my head around what we’d been doing before everything went to shit, and now I didn’t know what to think.

In the back of my mind, I knew Jamie was right. I needed to let go of my fear of trusting someone in order to have any kind of future with anyone. The truth was, though, knowing it was only half the battle. I had to be willing to act on it, and that was something I still wasn’t sure I could do.

* * *

I spent the rest of the week in a haze from taking on double shifts at Bistro 30. The extra hours and long nights were taking a toll. Tonight I’d need to stand under the hot water until it ran cold to have any hope of working the kinks out of my muscles.

As I stretched my arms out in front of me, my phone pinged. It had been ominously silent for the past two days. I’d known Trevor and Jamie would be busy with everything they had going on, but I hadn’t thought it would matter if the texts and voice mails suddenly stopped.

I opened the text and saw a photo attached to the message. It was a partial skyline of skyscrapers behind a row of shorter, older-looking redbrick buildings. There was sunlight glinting off the windows of the buildings while the street below was bathed in shadows. It was breathtaking. I looked below the picture to the message.

View from our hotel. It’s so beautiful, I don’t want the sun to set. Wanted to share it with you. T

I could almost see Trevor standing at the window, staring out over the city, his arm resting on the cold glass, a look of appreciative wonder on his face. The image was so strong, I closed my eyes to savor it. I wasn’t sure why the text hit me so hard. Maybe because the last time I’d seen Trevor, neither one of us had done much smiling.

The urge to reply was so strong, I had my fingers poised over my keyboard before pulling them back and exiting out of my messages. Tomorrow was Friday, the day he’d been reminding me he’d be back in Seattle. I wasn’t sure if it was the text, or the image of him standing at that window that still hadn’t faded, but I wasn’t dreading tomorrow’s arrival as much anymore.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Trevor
Last Weekend in April

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and scanned the screen. I’d a missed a couple of texts on the drive. One from Nat.

We’re still on for tomorrow’s meeting, right?

Another from Jamie read:

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Nothing from Tyler.

Even though I knew the possibility of Tyler responding to any of my inane texts or calls was slim, anything, even an angry phone call where he told me to go to hell, would have been better than this cold shoulder routine.

“Rum and Coke, please. And keep ’em coming.”

The bartender nodded, her gaze lingering on my face for just a moment. I dug my AmEx out of my wallet and slid it across the smooth surface of the bar.

“Tough day?” She poured my drink, set a coaster down, then slide the glass toward me.

“Tough week.”

She took my card and started my tab without another word, her knowing gaze taking in what no doubt had to be a regular sight. After all, I was just another entitled rich guy who had too much money to have any problems, right?

Four drinks later, my phone buzzed with Jamie’s name on the screen.

Thanks for coming to Vancouver with me this weekend. Hope you made it back to Seattle ok.

Despite my mood, his words made me smile. Only Jamie would thank me for just doing my job and keeping him in the spotlight while he paid me my rather exorbitant salary. My best friend was a nice guy, maybe one of the last nice guys out there.

Tyler’s a nice guy.
Don’t forget about him
, the little voice of reason whispered in my head. The idea was laughable, though. How could I forget about Tyler? He was the one person I couldn’t get out of my head.

With the alcohol warming my system and lowering my defenses, I sent Jamie a response.

“Im sorry, Jamie. I didnt mean to fuck shit up with us.

I finished my drink and before I could even ask, the bartender slid another full glass in front of me. I drained half the glass, eyeing the phone laying in front of me on the bar. Without waiting for a reply from Jamie, I sent another text.

Ive compleetely fucked shit up with Tyler now to.”

I took a deep breath and sent another.

Ive fucked shot up wth everyone. Everryone.

To make sure he really understood, I sent one last text.

Im not sure theres a person out there i havent fucked it up witth.

When my phone buzzed, Jamie’s name popped up on the screen.

Where are you?

For a moment, I stared at screen. I was alone, in a fucking hotel bar, getting wasted. It was pathetic and if I wasn’t so lost I would have laughed at myself for being such a loser.

Hotel bar. Dont worry. Im behaving myself.

Not even twenty seconds later, my phone buzzed in response.

Stay put.

When I reread his text, for a moment, an irrational hope that Jamie was coming to the hotel bar flared. Out of anyone I knew, Jamie would be able to help me fix this. He could fix anything.

Twenty minutes later as I set down my empty glass with a clink of ice cubes, the chair next to me creaked as someone sat down. When I glanced over, I cursed. Jamie hadn’t come. Instead, he had sent the last person in the world I ever wanted to see.

“What the fuck are you doing here?’

“Nice to see you, too, Trustfund.”

I pulled out my phone and fired off a text to Jamie.

Traitor.

My phone buzzed.

Be nice. E knows Tyler the best. Good luck.

When I glanced at Ethan, he was grinning at his phone, no doubt the recipient of a text from Jamie, too. His hair was a mess and he hadn’t bothered changing his clothes from the restaurant. When he noticed my perusal, Ethan raised an eyebrow and gestured at my empty glass. “How many of those have you had?”

“Enough to numb the pain of you being here.”

The bartender placed another drink in front of me, then turned to Ethan. “What would you like?”

“Whatever’s good on tap.”

She set his beer down and Ethan pointed at me. “Add it to his tab, please.”

When she glanced at me, I just shrugged. “Why the hell not?”

She left us alone then, moving down the bar to speak to another customer and I braced myself for one of Ethan’s angry tirades, a litany of colorful curses, or possibly a broken nose. His silent regard was almost unnerving.

“When are you going to grow up, Pratt?”

I snorted. “You first, Martin.”

He glared.

“You think this is funny? This isn’t some afternoon special that’s going to magically fix itself because a goddamn puppy finds its way home. I’m responsible for my whole staff, their families. And Tyler, too.” He jabbed a fingertip in my biceps, poking hard enough to make me wince. I brushed off his hand but he just kept talking. “He had no one, Trevor. No one except the directors at the shelter, who are already overworked and underpaid, and the other kids on the street. Now he’s got a family who cares about him. His mom and dad might be total fuckwads, but he’s one of ours and I refuse to let you play with him like one of your fuck buddies back in New York. Tyler isn’t someone you can just use up then throw away when you get bored.”

I had a hard time following Ethan’s point through the haze of alcohol, but I caught enough of it to know he was pissing me off. “You’re a fucking gem, Martin. You barge in here thinking you know everything, but you don’t have a clue. Tyler isn’t some fuck buddy.”

“Really? Does Tyler know that? Because the day after all that shit went down, my sous-chef called in sick for the first time in years, Trustfund. Here, I’ll wait while you do the math.”

Ethan paused and glared at me again while he pretended to wait. “Done the math, yet? No? Well, I’ll spell it out for you.”

“You don’t spell in math.”

“Goddamn it, Trustfund. Can you shut the fuck up long enough to listen to me? Or is Tyler not important enough for you to sober up for five fucking minutes so you can fucking set shit straight?”

His words made me wince.

“Look. We all know Tyler wasn’t sick. You, me, Jamie, Claire, the whole fucking staff. He’s had smoke inhalation, pneumonia, an ear infection so bad he had vertigo for days. You want to ask me how many days he took off for those?”

Ethan held up his hand, his thumb and forefinger making a big, fat zero.

“You. You’re the reason he called in sick. Well, his twatwaffle parents played a part, but I’m pretty sure you were the tip of the fucked-up iceberg.”

I sighed and pushed my drink away, suddenly nauseous just looking at it. “I apologized. I called. I texted. I know that doesn’t mean shit to you, but it was kind of difficult to get him to talk to me from two thousand miles away. You, of all people, should understand that.”

This time it was Ethan’s turn to wince.

“You know what? I do understand that. More than you do. Jamie was away from me not once, but twice. I was stuck in Seattle working my ass off while I watched him board a plane for a country thousands of miles away. And then, just when I thought he’d be back home with me so we could fix the shit we’d let come between us while he was gone, I find out he’s going to board another plane, not back to Seattle, but with you to New York. Where he stayed for eight and a half fucking years. I’m not saying we didn’t do our fair share of fucking up our own happily-ever-after, but I lived for years knowing that a piece of my soul was on the other side of the country and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to get it back. So don’t fucking make light of something you had a hand in. Twice.”

I stared down at my drink to avoid looking at Ethan. He was right. About everything. I’d seen an opportunity with Jamie and I’d taken it. I’d apologized too many times to count to Jamie, and we’d put it behind us. Ethan, though, would never fully forgive me. I didn’t fault him for it. In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d fully forgiven myself. Which brought me back to Tyler and how much I’d fucked up with him.

“I never treated Tyler like a piece of meat. Never. From day one, I knew he was different. If I could change what happened, I would. I know I shouldn’t have told Jamie about Tyler’s plans but you guys just didn’t get it. You couldn’t see what I could because Tyler wouldn’t let you.” I stared at my drink. “I was proud of him, you know? He was checking into something he wanted, not something you or Jamie wanted him to do, but because it’s what he’s good at. It’s a lame excuse, but it’s the truth, because honestly, I just wanted him to be happy.”

When I glanced over at Ethan, he was watching me, a contemplative look on his face.

“You’ve got more than enough money to keep banging your way through New York for the rest of your life. You’ve got a ton of friends and I’m sure even more fuck buddies. So I’ve got one question for you. Why Tyler?”

Why Tyler?
I’d been asking myself that same questions for months. The only answer I’d ever been able to come up with was the simplest one. “Because he’s like no one else I’ve ever met and he makes me want to be the kind of person he deserves. Someone to make him happy, since he’s had such a shitty run.”

“You’ll get no argument from me. Tyler is a genuinely nice guy, and since you tend to hang out with spoiled-ass rich shits who only care about when the next bang fest is, I can see how you’d be attracted to someone like Tyler. He’s not just a nice guy, he’s good on the inside. I swear, after all he’s been through, he should be angry and bitter at the world. But he’s not. So I’ll ask you again. You have the looks and money to score any piece of ass you want. Why Tyler?”

I snorted. “As always, Martin, you flatter me.” I paused and tried to the think of the best way to answer him. “Not that it’s any of your business, but it’s more than just the physical shit you think I’m addicted to. It’s just, I don’t know how to describe it. He’s so quiet. And then you get to know him and he’s got all this amazing stuff in his head. He’s smart and so damn funny once he lets his guard down. And he gives a shit about people. His coworkers at Bistro 30, his friends at school, even your surly ass. I mean, come the fuck on, Ethan. The kid volunteers at two different shelters, plus a damn elementary school gardening program. Who the hell does that?”

The more I talked about Tyler, the more it hurt. Finally running out of steam, I picked up my abandoned drink and swirled it around, watching the amber liquid slosh in the glass. “Tyler’s the most real person I know. He doesn’t try to be anything other than who he is. It’s like he has this inner light and I can’t—No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay away from it.”

Ethan’s eyes widened. His expression making me uncomfortable caused me to ask, “What?”

“Wow. I never thought I’d see the day. Trevor Pratt actually gives a damn about someone.”

“Fuck you, Martin. It’s just killing me that I fucked up and nothing I do can fix it.”

Ethan laughed, the sound positively gleeful. “You are so screwed.”

I glared at him, and he laughed harder. “Don’t sound so pleased at the prospect.”

He wiped at the corner of his eyes and cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t laugh, but I can’t help it.” Ethan sighed and set down his drink. “You know he’s too good for you, right? I mean, if it was anyone else besides Tyler, I’d be over the moon for you. But of all the people in the world, Tyler’s too good for you. Obviously.”

“Yeah, well Jamie is too good for you.”

Ethan just nodded. “You’re goddamn right. I lost eight and a half years with him, and I will spend every fucking day from here on giving him the life and man he deserves.”

“You are so whipped.”

“This from the man sitting alone in the bar drinking by himself and drunk texting.”

“Did you come here for a reason, other than to mock me, Ethan?”

Ethan sighed and took a deep draught of his beer before answering. “Jamie cares about you. He knows you’re in pain right now and it’s killing him. So, even though I want to kick your ass most days, seeing you hurt like this is hurting him, and I’m not cool with shit hurting Jamie. Not that you haven’t done an ample amount of shit to deserve feeling this way.”

I flipped Ethan off, but he ignored me and kept talking.

“Tyler is like family to us, so yeah, we’re a little overprotective. But we’re not stupid. For some strange-ass reason, he cares about you. He cares enough to open up and laugh and joke around, something Tyler isn’t very comfortable doing. But even more, he cares enough to tell you shit he wouldn’t even tell me and Jamie.”

Ethan’s words swirled around inside me, making me want to puke my guts out, then curl up in the fetal position until the world stopped spinning.

“Bottom line. You need to fucking sort this shit out. If you’re not willing to do that, you definitely don’t deserve him.”

I whispered, “What do I do if he still won’t talk to me?”

“Then you walk away.”

Panic set in at the thought. Not too long ago, I’d told Tyler I’d do it. Actually, I’d told him it would have been better for me to walk away, because just like the needy motherfucker I was, I hadn’t been able to do it. The realization was finally sinking in that if I thought it would have hurt then to walk away from him, walking away now was going to kill me. I reached for my drink, but overshot the distance and ended up wobbling on the stool. Ethan shoved me back into my seat, and I stared at him in real fear that I might lose the one person I could really care about.

“Now you know how I felt.” Compassion was a foreign look for Ethan but at the moment I was glad I wasn’t alone. For a couple of minutes we just sat there, both of us lost in thought.

“How did you know Jamie was the one?”

Ethan grimaced. “He so owes me for this.” He paused and glanced down at his wedding ring, idly turning it. When he spoke again, his voice quiet and thoughtful, I knew he wasn’t bullshitting me. “Jamie is the best person I know. He makes me want to be a better person when I’m around him. I knew I was in love with him when I decided I’d do anything to make sure he was happy. Even when it meant we weren’t going to be together.”

“But you weren’t happy. And he was miserable.”

“We were both miserable. I made my decision without thinking about what he wanted and took away his choice. I regret every second we were apart.”