The Blue Horse (8 page)

‘A deserted wife, that’s what she called me. She said I probably wouldn’t have got the house if they knew those were the home circumstances.’ Mam was almost hysterical. A new social worker had called as Miss O’Gorman was sick. The new person had got Mam all worried and she was convinced that someone was trying to get her out of the house.

‘I told her Ned will be here soon, he wouldn’t stay away that long. I’m no deserted wife!’ Mam ranted on. ‘These people are always trying to put people into boxes, I know what I am and it’s not a deserted wife.’

Katie knew Mam was also worried about money as they had so little to manage on. There were gas bills and electricity bills, and rent to pay now too. Mam went door-to-door as often as she could around the estates and houses nearby. She always came back tired, but if she was lucky there would be some second-hand clothes and a few tins of food – usually beans and more beans and more beans. Katie kept hoping there might be a pair of black winter shoes in her size in one of the bags, but no such luck. Her old worn-out shoes would have to do.

Hannah let slip to Katie that Paddy was causing trouble on the bus. He wouldn’t sit down
and the driver was very cross with him. The teacher said one more incident and he’d be put off the bus.

‘I don’t want to go on my own, Katie, I know I have friends there but I don’t want to go on my own.’

‘Don’t fret, I’ll talk to him,’ the older sister promised.

When she went into their room, Brian and Paddy were rolling around the floor mock-punching each other.

‘Paddy, get up and stop messing!’

‘Buzz off.’

‘Get up. I’m just saying this once: no more messing on the bus or Da will give you a right belt when he sees you.’

‘Yeah, well, he’s not around.’

‘He will be and I’ll tell him. Mam’s not well, she’s upset at the moment and you’re not helping one bit.’

Her younger brother just shrugged his shoulders and jeered at her. She looked at them, Brian and Paddy, how could two brothers be so different? When they were babies they were so identical that at first only Mam and Da could tell them apart.

Paddy had been born first and had always been the leader, the lively one, Brian was like a mirror image or shadow that followed him everywhere. He would always let Paddy answer first or talk when other people were around and yet when
they played together they always seemed to be equals. Now they seemed to be going in different directions and it was affecting them both.

Three days later it happened. Paddy opened the emergency door of the bus and two of the other kids fell out. Luckily neither of them was hurt. But if the bus had not been stopped at the time or if the traffic had been heavy, things would have been much worse. So Paddy was off the bus for a month. He would have to walk all the way to school.

Things were going from bad to worse and Katie went to talk to Tom about it all. Her older brother was busy combing his hair and lacing up high canvas boots. She watched as he pulled on a bright new bomber jacket.

He swung around. ‘What are you gawping at?’

‘Nothing … Tom … Look, I’m worried about Mam. She’s not well and she’s scared we’ll lose the house.’

He kept combing his hair.

‘I never asked to be in this house,’ he muttered under his breath.

‘You never are in this house,’ she shouted back.

‘Look, Katie, I’m in a hurry. My pals are waiting for me up at the arcade.’

‘Don’t you care about Mam and Paddy? You could at least talk to him. You’re his brother!’

‘I can’t do anything. I’ll be late. I’m going.’ He brushed past her and began to run down the stairs shouting goodbye to Mam on his way out
the door.

‘You don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself,’ she shouted after him.

Katie stared at his bed. A pale blue shirt that she had never seen before lay discarded in a heap on the bed with his old jumper. Then she thought of the new jacket he had on. How come he had a new jacket when the rest of them had got no new clothes since the fire, only the cast-offs Mam got? She tried to block out her worst fears and suspicions. It would be just too much if Tom was in trouble too.

Galloping, galloping. She could hear the thunder of hooves in her sleep. The dream came again. The blue horse – she was about to touch it when she woke up, and a feeling of loss overwhelmed her. She was really thirsty too and decided to go downstairs to get a drink of milk.

The light in the kitchen was already on and Mam was sitting waiting for the kettle to boil. She had grey shadows under her eyes.

‘So you’re awake too.’ Mam patted the stool beside her.

‘I had another dream,’ Katie confided.

‘I wish I could dream.’

‘Do you never dream?’

‘I do, but usually only bad ones.’

‘Are you okay, Mam?’ Katie blurted out.

‘Yes, Katie love, don’t you fret. It’s enough for one of us to be worrying.’

‘What are you worried about?’

‘All sorts of things.’

‘Do you miss Da?’

‘You know the answer to that, pet – we all do. Look at poor Paddy – he’s lost without him and getting into trouble. And I’m afraid that Davey and Hannah will forget him altogether. And as for Tom – that boy can’t look me straight in the eye – I’m uneasy about him. Maybe he should have stayed with Ned – a boy his age needs his father.’

‘Maybe Ned was right,’ she continued, ‘maybe we shouldn’t have taken the house. We would have found some way to manage. My mother raised ten of us in a wagon. We moved from place to place and camped wherever we could. Life was very hard in those days. Things were short. Many’s the time we went hungry or walked barefoot. Times were hard – and it wasn’t just us. The whole country was poor and yet people shared things. They weren’t paying back big loans for houses and cars and videos and gadgets. They didn’t chase us from their doors.’

‘I know, Mam,’ Katie whispered.

‘You don’t really, Katie. How is it I feel so bad sitting here in my fine big house with a good roof over my head and walls and windows to keep the rain and cold out? I who grew up in a wagon? Yet sometimes I feel the walls of this place closing in on me and I feel the floor above is going to fall down on me. I could scream and
scream and not a sinner would hear me.’

‘It wouldn’t fall down, Mam, and the neighbours would hear you.’

‘I’m like an animal in a cage – being held in, running from room to room, doing tricks. I swear I can hear the blood going through my head and my heart pumping. There’s no one to have a laugh with or a bit of a chat to.’

‘I’m here, Mam. You have me.’

‘I know, Katie love, I know that.’

The kettle began to boil and Mam made a big mug of tea for herself. She took long slow sips of the hot milky liquid. ‘I just wish that I was half the woman my mother was … If only we still had our caravan, I’d have managed.’

‘You can’t turn the clock back,’ Katie whispered softly.

‘I know. If only I could. That fire – it was that fire that destroyed everything … it destroyed us. And my blue horse gone, burnt to bits – every bit of luck we had is gone … gone up in smoke.’

‘Mam, stop. Please stop. You’re getting too upset. Come on, we’ll go back upstairs and try to sleep.’

Katie switched off the kitchen light and followed her mother up the stairs.

‘Things will get sorted out, Mam, honest, they will.’ She wanted to make sure her mother went to bed and followed her into the larger room. Davey lay sprawled across half the double bed. Mam pulled back the pink nylon quilt and
blanket to get in, and she tossed her old dressing-gown on the bottom of the bed.

‘Go on, love, away to bed yourself or you’ll fall asleep in school tomorrow.’

Katie barely heard what Mam was saying. She stared at her. Mam was pregnant.

In a few months’ time there would be another little brother or sister. She should have guessed. How did she not know? Another mouth to feed. How would Mam cope?

She hugged her mother and pulled the bedroom door shut softly behind her. Back in her own room she climbed onto her bunk bed and stared at the ceiling. No matter what she did she just couldn’t get to sleep. Hour dragged into hour until it was morning. Every bit of luck gone, she thought, as she finally drifted off into a light sleep.

Monday was the worst day of the week. Putting on the navy school sweater and the shoulder straps of her bag across her back was almost like putting on armour and getting ready for battle. She would take a few deep breaths and hold her spine straight to control her inner panic. She got on well with some of her classmates and they would chat to her, and they raised no objections to her sitting beside them. There was another group who avoided looking her in the eye or talking to her, but who did nothing bad to her.

But there were about five in the class who never let up taunting her. ‘Knacker’, ‘tinker’, they whispered and jeered at her. She hated each and every one of them. Often she felt sure they must be aware of her heart pounding and of the crazy throbs of her pulse if they approached her. But she decided she would not cry even if her heart felt like a wooden heart. She often thought of the words of the song now, and she understood them! Would her heart fall apart, crack and split in two? But once she kept her eyes steady and put a damper on her temper, things passed off.

Natalie jeered and taunted her as often as she could. She made sure that everyone in the school knew that Katie was a traveller and tried to shame her at every opportunity.

‘What’s the point of the likes of you coming here?’ she demanded to know.

Katie did her best to ignore her. At lunchtime one Wednesday when Katie went to get her sandwich, her locker had been broken open. It was the third time in a week, and this time her drink had been spilt down over her books and soaked her turquoise jacket which was covered with stains and flung on the floor. It was the only jacket she had. Her sandwich had been stood on, so now she had no lunch either. But the worst thing was that her new history book and Irish book the Principal had given her were destroyed.

It was only when Natalie came out of the toilets that Katie spotted a piece of squashed sandwich stuck on her shoe.

‘You busted my locker.’ Katie walked right up to her. Natalie refused to answer.

‘You busted the locker and opened my can and spilt it and ruined my lunch.’

‘I didn’t touch your locker or your mouldy old cheese sandwich.’

‘You did.’

‘I did not.’

‘I’ve proof.’

‘The proof of a lying little tinker, is it?’

‘The cheese on your shoe.’

‘Anyone and everyone knows that the likes of you bring dirt and mess wherever you go.’

‘I’ve brought no mess, you don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Ciara, get her a mop and she can clean up her filth.’ As she threw this order to her friend, Natalie snatched the can from the locker shelf and began to shake the dregs around the room.

Katie tried to grab the can but the other girl was taller and heavier than her and knocked her against the locker door.

‘Leave her alone, Natalie.’ It was Brona Dowling.

‘Mind your own business. You keep out of this,’ warned Natalie, flushing because someone had dared to question her authority.

‘Don’t clean it, Katie, don’t mind her,’ said Brona.

With her foot, Katie let fly and kicked Natalie against the wall of lockers opposite her.

Natalie then grabbed at a hank of Katie’s long hair, swinging out of it. Katie felt as if her whole scalp was being tugged off and tears of pain stung her eyes.

She lashed out with her free hand, while with the other she tried to release her hair, but Ciara tripped her and she fell down on the tiled floor with Natalie on top of her. She tried to knee her off but Natalie was much stronger. She was pinned down and Natalie was just reaching for the can again when their maths teacher’s voice boomed out.

‘What the hell is going on here?’ He stormed over and pulled Natalie off.

‘Get to your feet, both of you. Up to Mrs
Quinlan’s office immediately. The rest of you stop gaping and tidy up here and go and have your lunches.’

Katie blushed scarlet. The boys were coming out of their locker room and began to catcall them.

‘Hey, girls, who won the wrestling match?’

‘When do you fight again?’

Katie’s head ached and her shoulder was stiff. She noticed that Natalie’s nose had begun to bleed by the time they reached the office.

Mrs Quinlan was furious.

‘I will not have it! Two girls fighting like …’

Katie almost laughed. She had nearly said the word ‘tinkers’.

‘Who started it?’

‘She did.’

‘No! she did.’

‘She accused me of stealing her lunch.’

‘You busted my locker.’

Mrs Quinlan came out from behind her desk.

‘Mr Byrne saw the two of you fighting. Both of you have disgraced yourselves. Neither of you knows how to behave as a lady should. Natalie, last week you were in this office over remarks made about a teacher, and Katie, you know you are in this school under special circumstances. That temper of yours will have to be kept under control. I have a large school to run.

‘We get bullying and beatings amongst the boys and I have to come down firmly on them, so
it’s only fair that you girls get the same punishment. You are both suspended for two days. I will inform your parents. You will gather your things and I suggest you both go home straight away. I will see you next week in this office.’

Katie rolled up her jacket into her schoolbag. Maybe she’d get a chance to soak out the stains before Mam saw it.

The kitchen was quiet when she got in from school – the others wouldn’t be home for nearly two hours. She found a note on the table under the sugar bowl. It was written in her brother’s large scrawly writing. She read it quickly then stuffed it into her pocket and ran upstairs.

She was surprised to find Mam in bed with Davey lying near her, dozing.

‘Ah, Katie, you’re home early. We’re just having a little nap.’

‘I’m suspended, Mam.’

Her mother looked puzzled. ‘What does that mean?’

‘It means I’m not let back to school for two days.’

‘But what did you do?’

‘A girl was bullying me and we got into a fight …’ she trailed off.

‘I knew it, Katie, you and that temper! It’ll always get you into trouble!’

‘Honest, Mam, it wasn’t my fault at all.’

‘How often have I heard that? Well, tell me then how is it you always end up involved in some way or another. You and Paddy, now the two of you in trouble. What’s happening to my family at all?’

Katie wondered what she should do with Tom’s note. Would this break her Mam’s heart altogether? She decided to tell her and get it over with.

‘I found this note, Mam. It’s from Tom.’ She handed the note to her mother who stared at it blankly. ‘You’ll have to read it to me,’ Mam said.

Katie read it out:

Mam didn’t say a word. She took the letter and held it close.