The Road To Forgiveness (9 page)

“I’d been thinking about it for awhile now,
ever since that night in your room when we watched
Clueless
.
When you left me…” he pauses as if the words physically hurt him to
say. “I thought you had left me because I was married. We were
happy. It was the only thing that made sense to me in my head. I
called Darcy and told her I wanted a divorce.

“She was very understanding and we put a rush
on the paperwork. All I need to do is signs some papers to make it
official. It would already be official if I had shown up to one of
the many meetings we scheduled, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave
here without seeing you.”

My hand moves on its own accord and
intertwines with his.

“Why are you telling me this? It doesn’t
change anything, Sebastian.”

“It might… I want you, Mia. I want you
forever… as my wife, as my lover and as the mother of my child. We
can make this work and I promise, if you take a chance on me, you
will never regret it.”

He raises my hand with his and kisses the
back, almost as a plea. His eyes show all the same emotions I’m
feeling but can’t express. I can feel the tears start to form and I
take a breath before I completely loose it.

“I want to say yes to you, Sebastian. You
have no idea how much it kills me to see you in pain. To know that
I have the power to make it go away… but I can’t. I’ve been through
too much. If anything were to happen to our child, it would break
me. I would never recover from another loss like that. I’m barely
holding it together as it is.”

“What about the baby? Were you going to keep
it from me? I deserved to know, Mia.” His tone grows angry as
Sebastian starts to hit me with the harder questions.

“No, I planned on telling you. Actually, I
hoped you would raise it, maybe even with Darcy. I knew no one
would love our baby more than you would. I left because I need to
go through this pregnancy on my own. I couldn’t risk you convincing
me to stay and raise the baby with you.”

Sebastian gets up and starts to pace the
room. The muscles in his arms start to bulge as his hands fist at
his sides. He is angry, which I expected.

“Sebastian, I…”

“Don’t say anything. Just give me a minute to
process this.”

I shut my mouth and obey Sebastian. He needs
me to be silent and it’s the least I can do after what I’ve put him
through. After several minutes of pacing the room, his eyebrows
lift and a smile starts to spread across his face. He continues his
pacing but he looks a little happier doing it, almost elated.

His eyes lock on mine and he makes his way
back on to the sofa with me.

“How are you with compromising?”

“Sebastian, that’s not going to work.”

“What’s not going to work? I haven’t even
told you my compromise. There is a real possibility everything can
still work in your favor.”

I look up into the sea of blue looking down
on me; I want to say yes to his compromise, even before I hear
it.

“I’m not real great at compromising. You
should know this by now,” I say to him.

“Well, I’m not use to not getting exactly
what I want but sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone.”
The cocky Sebastian is showing himself. I hate to admit I’ve missed
this side of him.

“Let me hear what the compromise is before I
decide. What exactly were you thinking?”

“It’s December. We’re only a few weeks away
from Christmas and then New Years. Let me stay with you for the
next month. A month is all I ask and… I also want you to start
seeing a therapist.”

I look at him like he has completely lost his
mind.

“No, absolutely not.”

“Listen to me, I’m not finished. If in a
month you still don’t want to start a life with me, start a family…
I’ll leave. The only other time you will ever see me is when I take
our baby back to live with me.

“This is my compromise. Take it or leave it
but if you don’t take it… then I’m not going to be so appeasing. I
will stay here and follow you, spend time with your family and
embed myself in your life until you are begging me to take you
back. It’s completely your decision.”

I stare at him with an open mouth. This isn’t
a decision. This is me, choosing between a rock and a hard
place.

“Wow. I feel so blessed that you are being so
understanding in all this,” I say sarcastically.

“What can I say, I’m just that kind of guy,”
he says in a mocking tone.

My stomach starts to dance as I feel my
morning sickness start to take over. It really does show up at the
most inconvenient time. The one thing it does is remind me that I
might need him the next couple weeks. I’m on bed rest from the
doctor, so I won’t be able to do much and this morning sickness
doesn’t seem to be going away.

“Can I think about it?” I clamp my hand over
my mouth, as I will myself not to throw up.

“Sure, you have until the end of the day to
let me know your decision.” He moves over to me, ignoring the green
look on my face and the fact that I am trying everything in my
power not to be sick. His mouth lowers to my ear, “I love
compromising with you. I can’t wait to show you how great at
compromising I am. I always get my way in the end and incase you
didn’t notice… My way is having you, in my bed, a ring on your
finger and our baby in the next room. So you better start focusing
on that because in the end, that is our future.”

His words spread warmth throughout my body
and butterflies start to form in my stomach with anticipation.
Unfortunately, this is all it takes for my stomach to shoot over
the edge. Sebastian moves his lips from my ear as I bend over and
vomit in his lap.

“So how do you like being home? I’m sure your
mother is deliriously happy that you are back. She missed you like
crazy sweetheart.”

I’m sitting at Aunt B’s Diner with Charlie
and waiting to place our order. My legs are up, resting on another
chair. Sitting like this is the only way I could get Charlie and
Sebastian to agree to let me go out.

Aunt B’s is one of my favorite restaurants in
town. This town may have under a thousand residents but it has
plenty of diners to choose from. Aunt B’s was one of my favorites
because she makes the best potato pancakes with homemade
applesauce.

We are sitting in a booth towards the back of
the diner. This is partially for privacy and partially to ignore
the stares from everyone in town. Charlie being back is bound to be
the new gossip for the week.

“It’s okay. I’ve been trying to establish a
better relationship with momma. Some days are better than others.
She really misses you though. You should have seen her face light
up last night when she heard you were back in town.”

He takes a sip of his coffee as our waitress
heads over.

“I’m so sorry it took so long to get over to
you and take your order. There was a little mishap in the kitchen.
What can I get for you, Mia?”

I smile politely at Ruth. She’s been a
waitress here for as long as I can remember.

“I’ll have the potato pancakes with a side of
fruit, please.”

I hand her back the menu as she turns to face
Charlie.

“How ‘bout you, Charlie?”

“I’ll have the same as Mia but instead of
fruit, give me two sides of bacon.”

“No problem, darling. I’ll get that going for
you.” Ruth takes his menu and leaves us be.

“I’m not back, Mia.”

This statement startles me.

“Excuse me?”

“You said your mother was happy I was back in
town. You know I’m not back, right? I just came to see if you were
okay. I’ll stay for a few days and then I’m going back to
Chicago.”

I physically can feel a lump forming in my
throat. I know Charlie’s visit would be brief but I missed him so
much. I didn’t realize how much until I saw him yesterday. I don’t
know if my mother can handle him leaving again.

“I know. How did it go with Momma last
night?”

“Your Momma is a complicated woman. Lets
leave it at that,” he says as he looks anywhere but at me.

“What does that mean?”

He lets out a huff in annoyance as he
explains, “It means I sat down with her and tried to have a
discussion. She didn’t want to discuss things, she wanted to do
something else.”

“Like what,” I ask in total confusion.

Charlie looked at me so innocently as he
raised his eyebrows. He looked a little uncomfortable and that is
when it clicks.

“Ewe, gross. I don’t want to hear that. You
didn’t do it, did you? Knowing you were just going to leave.”

“I never am able to resist your Momma,
Mia.”

I’ve officially lost my appetite. Knowing my
mother has an active sex life and hearing about it are two
different things.

It must be the overactive hormones going
through my body because I want to cry in that moment. Knowing my
mother is going to have to deal with the loss of Charlie again
breaks my heart.

“I can’t believe you’re just going to leave
her again. She wants you back, Charlie.”

“Sweetheart, there are things you don’t know.
Its not that easy.“

I cut him off, “Why not? You love it here, in
Riceboro. You can’t honestly tell me you like living in Chicago.
The weather sucks, there are too many people, and you can’t find
southern cooking anywhere. Oh, and Momma is here, not in
Chicago.”

He looks angry but not at me. I can tell he
wants to say something to me but is holding back. Why, I don’t
know.

“Say it, Charlie. What’s on your tongue?”

“I KILLED HIM!” He shouts at me. “Is that
what you want to hear? I can’t come back here because I can’t stand
knowing you Momma looks at me differently. She looks at me like I’m
the reason that precious little boy is dead.”

Tears pour down my face. Charlie’s heartbreak
hurts me more than my own because he blames himself. It isn’t his
fault Miles died. He needs to stop blaming himself.

“Charlie-“

“No. Do you know how much I miss him? That
little boy was my life. I thought of him as my own flesh and blood.
He made so many bad days good and I miss him, everyday. I can’t
bear to loose your Momma, too. Me leaving makes it easier. I don’t
have to hear the words when she decides she can’t be around me
anymore.”

“Charlie, it’s not your fault. I have never
blamed you for his death. You were the best grandpa he could ever
have and he thought the world of you. I remember how excited he was
that morning. He was going to have boy time with you before school.
He rushed out of bed so fast just so he wouldn’t miss a second with
you.

“When I look back at all the mistakes I made
that day, I never think putting you in his life was one of them. I
actually hold on to the fact that, I know he was happy in the
moments before his death. I see his big smile as you pulled out of
my driveway and it helps me to remember he had a happy life. Don’t
you ever blame yourself Charlie. It breaks my heart that your are
carrying that guilt.”

We both have tears in our eyes now. I don’t
know what else there is to say.

“And how about you, Mia? You mean to tell me
your okay and don’t put any of the blame on yourself?”

“That’s different. I was the reason our
schedule changed that morning. I am to blame.”

“That’s bull crap and you know it. If you
honestly believe I am not to blame then you’re not to blame either.
Your situation is no different than mine. Maybe if we stop blaming
ourselves then we can focus on forgiveness.”

I look up at him and speak honestly, “I don’t
need to forgive you, Charlie, because I don’t blame you?”

“I wasn’t talking about me, Sweetheart. I was
talking about you, needing to forgive yourself.”

I take in his words and reflect on them in
the next few moments. I don’t need to forgive myself. That’s
ridiculous. You can’t forgive yourself when it involves the death
of your son.

Ruth comes back over with our breakfast and I
am grateful for the interruption. I’m suddenly overtaken with
hunger. We eat in silence as I enjoy every mouth-watering bite of
Aunt B’s potato pancakes.

“So can we talk about another one of the
elephant’s in the room?” Charlie asks me.

Okay, so now I was going to have to explain
Sebastian. It wasn’t lost on me that I was being a little
hypocritical of Charlie in regards to his relationship with my
mother. I was doing something similar to Sebastian.

“Umm… sure, I guess.”

He reaches over the table to grabs my hand
lovingly. “It’s all over town. Your Momma said that everyone here
still thinks that asshole rapist is innocent. According to the
paper, it looks like he might have a real chance at getting
released.”

He wants to talk about Kyle.

“Yeah, well, I guess all we can do is wait to
see what happens. All I’ve read is that there is new evidence to
suggest that he wasn’t involved.”

“Your Momma said that some of the previous
evidence was tampered with. She heard it from Miss Suzanne over at
the bakery.”

I really did not want to have to deal with
the panic attack that was starting to take over my body. I’d heard
the rumors. I had even read a few articles in the paper but that
didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it.

“You know how gossip is in this town,
Charlie. You can’t always believe what you hear. Besides, I’m not
going to think about it. It has nothing to do with my case. He
wasn’t put away for raping me. I just hope that piece of shit gets
what he deserves. Let’s end it at that.”

Charlie get’s the hint and drops the subject.
The topic of Kyle Monroe has made my appetite disappear. I put my
napkin over what little is remaining on my plate.

“You ready to go, Sweetheart?”

“I can wait until you finish your coffee. I’m
in no rush.”

This was true. The sooner we finish, the
sooner I have to go back to Sebastian and give him my answer.