Heart's Desire (21 page)

“Luke and I were talking about the rehearsal,” Sarah began. “Since Nate has agreed to be the best man, Luke told him he doesn’t want any of that bachelor party nonsense. Especially because Luke was married before. Nate offered to take him to dinner at the lodge. Just the two of them. That’s was very thoughtful. Don’t you think?”

“Thoughtful. Yes.” Maddie replied woodenly.

“He’ll call you later tonight and tell you everything that’s going on. I know he will,” Sarah said. Maddie heard the hollow ring in her friend’s voice.

“You’re right. He’s just busy. Besides, he’ll be back next weekend for the wedding. This trip just came up so fast. We didn’t get a chance to talk about much.”

“No kidding. I know my mind would be a jumble if I just discovered Luke was moving to Arizona...and that I’d be joining him,” Sarah said.

Maddie raked her fingers through her hair. “I know! And each time I think I’ve figured out a solution to one question, ten more questions pop up. And only Nate can answer them for me. It’s so frustrating.”

“You should write them all down so you don’t forget them,” Sarah advised.

“I should,” Maddie agreed. “Well, I’d better get going. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, and I want to get the cupcakes for your wedding made and into the freezer. I’ll ice them the night before the wedding, so after the rehearsal I won’t be hanging around for long.”

“I understand,” Sarah said.

Maddie nodded. “Thanks.” She hugged her best friend and rushed down the front steps to her SUV. Maddie didn’t want Sarah to see her crying.

* * *

I
T
WAS
NEARLY
eleven o’clock the next morning before Maddie got a text from Nate saying cell service was practically non-existent where he was. He told her he’d landed safely, and once he’d arrived at the clinic, he’d gone straight into surgery. He was seeing patients back-to-back. He said he’d keep trying to call her.

However, by the end of the day, she still had not heard from him.

Maddie believed she knew the truth.

Nate had been swept away from her.

He’d been offered the job of his lifetime and he’d taken it. She was standing on the shore. Left behind. Abandoned. Again.

And that was as it should be.

Nate had made no bones about the fact that he wanted to work with this clinic at the reservation, and to devote his career to helping people in need around the country. His goals were altruistic and compassionate and she loved him all the more for them. He’d been given his shot. She would have been the first one to tell him to go for it.

Maddie never, ever wanted to be the person who held him back. She believed in dreams. Hers and his. If she loved him, she would let him go. Clearly, Nate was so immersed in his world that there just was no place for her in his life. When he was in Indian Lake and he’d seen her nearly every day, he might have believed they could make it work. But what he’d shown her in the past few days gave her a glimpse into the future.

And it was heartbreaking.

Despite not hearing from Nate, Maddie couldn’t believe, even now, that she’d ever given Alex a second thought romantically. She was absolutely, totally in love with Nate and always would be.

But being married to Nate would place a difficult burden on her. She would be constantly reaching out to find new friends, trying to set up a new café, finding a new home.... And she might come to resent Nate for leaving her alone a great deal of the time. She would miss Sarah, Mrs. Beabots, Liz, Cate and all her other friends. She would miss Indian Lake. She hadn’t factored these things into her equation previously, but now she found they carried a much greater weight than she’d imagined they would.

Even when she dreamed of living in Chicago, she knew she’d only be an hour away from Indian Lake. Her dreams always included her friends.

With Nate’s sudden transfer to Arizona, her life had turned upside down. Again.

But above all, she wanted Nate to be happy. He was an extraordinary man and it would be wrong of her to hold him back.

She would have to let him explore every avenue of success and experience that he craved. Nate deserved it all and more. He was the best of the best and she was proud to have even been a speck in his personal history. She’d been honored to have known him.

Shoving another two trays of cupcakes into her commercial oven, Maddie realized there was only one thing she could do.

Just the thought of it caused a pinching pain around her heart, and her head felt as if it would explode into a torrent of tears. Maddie sucked in a deep and stabilizing breath. She did not drop dead on the spot as she thought she might.

Instead, she reached for the telephone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

B
REAKING
UP
WITH
Nate was even more impossible than Maddie imagined. She called him four times and left messages for him, but she never got a callback. As the hours and days clicked by, Maddie felt her old insecurities crawl out of their hiding place and gnaw at her psyche. She felt insignificant and as small as a human could feel.

For eleven years, Nate had made a life without her. Was he doing that again now? Was he always going to be like this? And would that life—a life revolving around his career and his patients’ needs—be enough for her?

Maddie was a person of action, and releasing Nate from their engagement seemed like the right thing to do.

But in the dark of her room at night, when she felt lonely and empty, she contemplated booking a ticket and flying to Arizona to find him. The problem with that scenario was that she didn’t know exactly where he was. And she didn’t want him to think she was insecure, which she clearly was right now.

Finally, on Thursday, she received her first text from Nate. It had apparently been sent three days prior.

Maddie, just had about the worst day of my life. I nearly lost a patient. Little boy. Electrical storm here. Lines are down. I hope you get this. I love you. Nate.

She texted him back, but didn’t receive another message or call. She knew cell reception was bad out there, but Maddie took this as confirmation that Nate’s focus was where it should be. He could have called or found another way to contact her if he’d wanted to. His lack of communication told her everything.

Silence was Nate’s modus operandi.

After six days of angst, Maddie took off her ring. She told herself that she and Nate had moved too quickly into their engagement. She’d allowed herself to be romanced and hadn’t paid enough attention to facts and logistics. If she were honest with herself, she hadn’t wanted to face the hard issues that life with Nate posed.

Nate needed a stronger, more flexible woman. Someone educated and...

No, Maddie. Don’t do that to yourself again.

Maddie was amazed at how easily she fell prey to her frailties. Beating back negativity for her was a full time job. But being ignored by Nate was more than painful. It was unbalancing.

She put Nate’s ring in a heart-shaped ceramic box that Ann Marie had given her as a graduation present from high school. Maddie’s eyes were filled with tears as she placed the cover on the box, wishing with all her heart that Ann Marie was alive so she could ask her advice. She wiped her face with her palm. “Oh, Sarah. How do you do it all without your mom?”

Maddie walked out of her office, grabbed an apron and had just tied it around her waist when Sarah rushed into the café.

“Maddie!” Sarah swept up to her friend and grabbed her arms. “Have you heard from Nate?”

“Yes. Finally. He’s really swamped with surgeries.”

“And he’s still planning to be here for my wedding?”

“As far as I know.”

“But you’re not sure. Has he said he’ll be here? For certain? I mean, the wedding is one week away and I need to know if the best man is going to be MIA,” Sarah groaned. “Luke doesn’t know what to do. We could have Jerry stand in, I suppose. But should we go ahead and ask him? And it’s too late to have him fitted for his blazer and white slacks.”

Maddie was thoughtful for a minute. “Asking Jerry would be good so that there are no hiccups for you,” she replied.

Sarah touched Maddie’s arm. “What’s going on? Really?”

Maddie’s shoulders slumped. “I’ve had to do some very hard thinking since Nate left. Maybe we weren’t as right for each other as I thought. He has high aspirations, Sarah. Very high. I can’t take that away from him. I understand him. Maybe this is all for the best. Maybe this is the universe telling me that what we had as kids was never meant to last into adulthood.”

“I can’t believe that,” Sarah said quietly.

Maddie put her hand on Sarah’s shoulder. “You’re getting married in seven days. You’re all spun up in romance and bliss, and that’s the way it should be for you. Nate is a great guy. Perfect for me, really, but this is what he has to do to reach his full potential. If I truly love him, I’ll give him that.”

* * *

F
ROM
THE
MINUTE
Nate walked off the plane in Phoenix, his heart thrummed with excitement. He was met by his former assistant, Dan Chee, at baggage claim. Nate hugged the tall, broad-shouldered man, who grinned at him in return.

“Are we ever happy to see you again, Doc,” Dan said enthusiastically.

“Thanks. Same here,” Nate replied, grabbing his duffel bag.

“I’ve got some patient charts in the Jeep so you can acquaint yourself with some of the cases on the drive up to Tuba City.”

“Thanks, Dan. I was really sorry to hear about Dr. Jessel. It must have been sudden, huh?”

“Very. Some of the staff said they’d noticed he was getting tired lately, but that was all.”

“Tired? The man was always a whirlwind. How many clinics did he serve again?”

“Four, including Chinle and Fort Defiance.”

“I forgot about that,” Nate said as they climbed into the Jeep. “He travelled all over the northern part of Arizona, didn’t he?”

“Sure did. So will you. We’ve got patients scheduled out till the end of next month,” Dan told him. “I hope you’ve been getting caught up on your beauty sleep lately because there won’t be much time for that, except when I’m driving you to the next clinic.” Dan laughed.

Nate frowned and took out his cell phone. His battery was almost dead. He had enough juice to call Maddie. He tapped out her number but there was no answer. For some reason, her voicemail didn’t pick up. “I’ll call her later,” Nate said aloud.

When they stopped in Flagstaff for gas, Nate rummaged in his briefcase for his phone charger, but couldn’t find it. Searching through his duffel bag, he realized he’d forgotten his charger altogether. He sent Maddie a text and then turned off his phone to conserve the battery. Once they were in Tuba City, he’d have to buy a new cord.

Nate and Dan arrived at the clinic in Tuba City only to find a Code Blue underway. Though the nurses had handled the matter competently, clearly, if Nate hadn’t arrived at the exact moment he had, scrubbed in and taken over, the seventy-one year old man would have died from his cardiac arrest.

It was nearly midnight when Nate collapsed on a cot in the doctors’ lounge.

He was back.

And it felt good.

* * *

F
IFTY
-
SEVEN
HOURS
passed before Nate realized he hadn’t eaten anything more than a moon pie, a soda and a bag of Sun Chips from a vending machine, and he’d only caught six hours of sleep—all in small doses. He still hadn’t had a chance to buy a phone charger. Each time he’d come out of surgery and tried to call Maddie, a nurse had rushed in with yet another emergency, another task that he needed to perform.

On his first full day at the clinic, Nate realized Dr. Jessel must have been ill for quite some time and had likely been covering up his illness. It was clear to Nate that the doctor had misdiagnosed or failed to diagnose several patients. There was a young boy who needed surgery immediately, yet Dr. Jessel had chosen to observe him and not proceed with the operation.

Nate held a conference with the parents and explained that it was critical their son undergo the procedure. Perhaps because the boy’s condition hadn’t been treated sooner, the operation nearly resulted in his death, and it took every ounce of Nate’s skill and knowledge to save the boy.

On the second day at the clinic, a massive electrical thunderstorm moved across the area causing flash floods, rock slides and power outages. The cell phone tower was down. The internet was out and the clinic operated on a back-up generator for three days.

Nate used the last of his cell battery to send Maddie a text about the boy he’d saved. What he would have given to be able to go home to Maddie at night and tell her everything. He couldn’t help but think about her during his surgeries. When his mind would start to wander, he saw her loving face, her sparkling green eyes urging him to continue. Pushing him to do his best. He heard her voice telling him that she loved him. He remembered holding her and drawing strength from her courage and her indomitable spirit. Maddie had no idea how much of an inspiration she was to him. If she could do all that she had done with no formal education, with nothing but spunk and self-pride to bolster her ambition, he could make it through another eight-hour surgery. He could save another life. He could help one more person live a better life.

Scratching the two-day-old stubble on his cheek, Nate rolled off the cot where he’d zonked out for the past ninety minutes and placed his hands on his knees. “A pace like this could kill me.”

Just then, Dan Chee walked into the lounge twirling his car keys around his index finger. “Time to go, Doc.”

“Right. The clinic at Chinle. Think it will be any better than here?”

“Worse.” Dan smiled wryly.

Nate yawned. “Say, is your cell phone working yet?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied. “Why?”

“Can I borrow it to call my fiancée?”

“Sure. But then we have to go,” Dan said handing Nate a battered flip phone.

“Thanks.”

Nate placed a call to Maddie but it went to voice mail. “Maddie. It’s me. I’m so sorry. I hope you got my texts and my other voicemail. I’m borrowing a phone from a friend. I left my phone charger at home, so my battery is dead. I’m leaving this clinic for another one today. Love you.”

Nate and Dan drove to Chinle, where the clinic was just as backed up as the one in Tuba City. From the minute he arrived, Nate went straight to work.

Dan brought meals in from a diner down the street, but Nate was almost too exhausted to eat.

After a five-hour operation, Nate borrowed Dan’s phone again to call Maddie. When he realized it was nearly midnight, he sent a text instead. He could only hope it would go through.

Nate performed four bypass surgeries and six angioplasties in the next day-and-a-half. He was sitting on his cot, unshaven and throwing back an energy drink, when Dan walked up with his flip phone. “This call is for you, Doc.”

Nate glanced up, feeling as if his eyes were full of gravel. He took the phone. “Hello?”

“Nate.”

“Maddie!” he said, brightening immediately. “How are you?”

“Nate, we need to talk,” she replied, her voice infused with trepidation and regret.

Nate knew that tone. It was the sound of an ending. He felt his stomach hit the floor. “About what?”

“Us,” she said. “I want you to know that I’m really happy for you. I mean, this job is what you wanted. It’s all you’ve talked about since you came back to Indian Lake.”

Nate stood and began pacing. “You sound different. What’s going on?”

“Your life is there, Nate. In that world where you don’t have time to call me very often and where so many people really need you. Their lives depend on you. I want you to have that life, Nate. I do. But I’ve also realized I don’t think I can be a part of what you’re doing. I would just be an adjunct. A footnote, really. And I need more than that.”

“Maddie, it wouldn’t always be like this—”

“Honestly, Nate? Be serious. Of course it would be. That’s just you. And that’s okay. I’ve had time to think about what it would be like moving around all the time, leaving Indian Lake, not seeing my friends. Giving up my café. The franchises. What about your family? I’m just getting to know your mother and I like her. Really I do. I’m being realistic, Nate.”

“What are you saying exactly, Maddie?”

“I’m giving you your ring back.”

Nate nearly fell onto the cot. “Is this about the other guy?”

“This has nothing to do with Alex.”

“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t,” he said. “Look, Maddie, I know I messed up. I had to get out here so fast. I barely packed, much less had time to talk to you about what this move was going to mean to you. To us. It’s been a whirlwind. I tried to call you, but I was just so busy. I didn’t have time to buy a new charger and...”

“I get it, Nate. You just made my point.” Maddie spoke with such finality, Nate felt as if he’d been cut out of her life with a scalpel.

“I guess we don’t have anything else to say,” Nate replied, feeling his mouth go dry.

“Guess not.”

“Bye, Maddie. I...I wish you love.”